Moments of my life, thoughts of my mind, written for you to see.

It's been a while...

2012-01-03T18:28:00.000-05:00

It has been a while for sure. I was so angry the last time I posted that I just stopped.

I am still angry but for different reasons.

2011 was quite the year wasn't it? It was hard for some many different people and I can't imagine having to go through all that again. Some of it, by my control, won't happen because I am in charge of my actions and won't dive into any of what caused the issue last year but there are other things that I am not in control of and those are what scare me.

I know that in all things at all times that trusting God is the number one thing a person can do. I have been taught this since a little kid and have tried to practice it on a daily basis. God has helped where no one else could...the same day I lost a job in college I got a job...things like that happen to me for no other reason than God.

But there are times, in weakness, I doubt. Don't we all though? No one that reads this blog can actually look back on their lives as a Christian and say...I have never doubted that God would come through. Worry is doubt isn't it?

But what do you do during those times that you are angry and upset and worrying about that which you can't control? Pray? Read Scriptures? Those are the things that we are supposed to do aren't we?

A friend gave me this verse today when I found out that my beloved grandpa, Pampa as we call him, has a form of cancer that can not be cured but can only be "maintained" if it hasn't spread to other areas i.e. bones. It hurts to hear that news because I love him and and would gladly take his spot if I could.

Psalm 120:1

In my distress I cried unto the LORD, and he heard me.

It helps really. I have cried so many tears and those people that follow me on twitter know that I am verbal about what ails me.

But the great thing I find is that even while I am still finding the legs to trust and call I have friends that are picking up where I am lacking...they are crying out for me, for my family, for my Pampa...even when I can't find the words because the tears choke them out.

My oh my......

2011-08-31T22:27:00.000-04:00

I am waiting for the other shoe to fall....because this week has been pretty amazing so far.

I have to start on Saturday. Girls, you need a Gnome (obviously not his real name). He is truly one of the best friends a girl can have and every girl needs a guy like him. The guy that you can feel like yourself with and be yourself with....I know that this is what relationships are supposed to feel like but Gnome and I are just comfortable being friends and I promise every girl needs a guy like him.

So back to Saturday: I have started using a BodyBugg and needed to go pick it from my friend that sold it to me and Gnome and I have been talking about going down to SLC for a while so he was totally in when I told him the plan. Pick up the Bugg, go have dinner, and then head back up for a drive in before heading back to Logan. We headed to SLC and arguing for 10 minutes that yes, we both have iphones, and no, I didn't know how to use Google Maps on it we finally found, with the help of my gps, my friend's apartment. It was great catching up with them as I haven't seen them for about 4 years. After that we headed to The Cheesecake Factory. I love love love local food and cafes but for a major chain TCF is my favorite. Of course, you stuff yourself and you can't walk out of there for less than $30 but it is a treat. Shrimp and chicken curry over coconut rice with fried mac and cheese balls for an appetizer and Khula cheesecake for dessert...AMAZING. (oh, and I was rude to two people at one time...Gnome because I texted a guy while waiting to be seated and the guy because I wasn't really paying attention to him...sorry to both!) We had been seated so late that our plans to head back up to catch the film were kaboshed but Gnome decided that we needed to go shopping (!!!). He was on a SUGAR HIGH and it was so funny...hilarious actually! We went to this huge food warehouse and he bought candy for his desk at work and I found the chocolate cinnabears...oh...my...deliciousness. Of course, I was so full that I couldn't eat more than one. It was a perfect sunset and we made a last minute decision that bowling sounded like a good idea so we headed back up to Logan. The weather was PERFECT and I had my feet propped up and out the window...bliss right there. Casual, laid back, perfect bliss. Yeah, we didn't make it to bowling but plans have been made...he needs revenge as I beat him last time.

Sunday: This was pretty normal...good day in church...but pretty normal. Oh, and sometimes, I am learning, I hate texting because messages can be mis-read and now? Yeah, I blogged and don't regret it but still wonder........

Monday: So I don't know what was in the air but I wore a outfit I have worn before and I got so many compliments. Compliments on my shirt, my hair, my heels..(black 6 inch heels..yummy!), and my makeup...really have no idea what I did differently but I was so humbled at the compliments.

Tuesday: We had a new class start at work and one of the girls was Miss Teen Utah or Miss Teen Something or other last year and she came up to me and said I had the most amazing eyes and that I was so "h***a cute". Not what I would probably say to stranger but thanks. And then I talked to my aunt whom I haven't spoken to for years and she is so excited about me going to school that she is offering to help me pay my way through. Now, I really don't know what to say because they don't have the money so it very well may not happen but the thought of it meant the world to me! Can't say it enough that I was blessed with my parents who paid for the first college piece of paper and now???? Wow!!

Wednesday: I look like a raccoon after wearing sunglasses outside for about 6+ hours. USU holds a Day on the Quad and local business' come in and we are always looking for people to work for us so we were there. But at one point I was headed inside for a break and a lady stopped me and raved about my hair color and cut for about five minutes...literally.

So it remains to be seen what will happen the rest of this week...it might not be as amazing but I can't deny that I have loved it so far....it has just been a huge ego booster!!!

Doubt it.

2011-08-30T20:02:00.000-04:00

Can I take a moment?

*Presses thumbs to forehead*

Moment over.

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Yeah, that's about it because writing anymore will show too much weakness and I refuse to show it right now.

No games.

2011-08-28T21:31:00.000-04:00

To be honest...there is much to say and I really don't know how to say it.

I am tired of playing games with people. So over waiting to see where my life is headed because I keep thinking someone will finally have answers for me.

I am annoyed and I am not afraid to say it. I am tired of guys playing games. They promise to be real but in the end, like every other guy, they are playing the "I choose you now because no one else is available but you have to be available for me" game. It is so annoying. Two guys do this to me on a regular basis.

I am done. This is probably shooting myself in the foot but I am beyond tired of it. If you aren't going to play games then don't do it. I don't.

And if I do play the games then someone needs to call me out on it. Never claimed to be perfect, just honest about the foolishness of others and if you have read this blog, then myself.

Ok, this has helped but I think a workout will be better.

For Blizznow! For Edgemonton! For Cannido!!

2011-08-22T22:00:00.014-04:00

Some friends and I all have Twitter and we usually use it throughout the day to put stuff about our diets or workouts.

One imaginative friend started a "story" about the fight to exercise and eating correctly. Here is how it goes.

BREAKING NEWS: Tensions erupt as Blizznow declares war on the Eatinabits!
By Franklin Wizzlebang aka President Walter Kusto
Mere minutes ago, President Walter Kusto of the country of Blizznow issued a formal declaration of war against the Eatinabits.
"The time of oppression has come to an end! We cannot afford to ignore the oppression any more. We must act quickly, we must act decisively!" said President Kusto at a televised speech in which he explained his rationale and issued the declaration of a state of war between Blizznow and the Eatinabits.
Relations between Blizznow and the Eatinabits had been relatively calm over the last few years as the citizens of Blizznow largely ignored the faction. However, things got tense when Blizznow attempted to pass legislation to control the growing faction which, according to Vice President Jara Oanna, "Was growing wildly out of control, and imposing a drain on both the economy and they well-being of the populace." Though the legislation failed to pass a largely Eatinabits sympathetic congress, Eatinabits responded with disruptive protests throughout the entire country, sparking violence in some of the more populated regions.
President Kusto further enraged the Eatinabits by stationing troops in various activity centers of the country, including the critical city of Exricisa. With help from local police, order was restored in that city and others, and the Eatinabits were largely expelled from the city. "We are experiencing the greatest recovery in decades. Our people are at employed, they are healthy, and enjoying life," said Exricisa Mayor, Chriss Umaah.
The peace was short-lived, however, as the Eatinabits banded under a new leader, Jenko Frido, and forcibly seized the megalopolis, Sweetssonville and it's sister city Breadonburg. While there was little violence in the seizure, both cities remain firmly under the control of the Eatinabits. Citizens viewed the occupation from a different perspective.
"This is great! Every night, Jenko gives us free donuts! And all the soda we can drink!" said one citizen with two glazed donuts in hand.
"I got a free extra large Javachip Frappachino for blowing Jenko a kiss! He's such a dream boat!" says another woman. This seems to be the general sentiment among the populace, but Blizznow General Crispus Vegetus has a different opinion.
"It's revolting! Absolutely revolting! Those poor people will be dead in weeks if we don't act quickly," he says.
The tension came to a head late yesterday evening erupting in violence between local police and Frido's ruffians, leaving twelve police dead and six wounded. President Kusto issued an ultimatum, demanding that Frido surrender the cities and turn himself into custody. Frido accepted a diplomacy session and the two leaders met to reconcile their differences. Things went south though, when Kusto allegedly offered Frido a glass of purified water. Frido took it as an insult, flinging the glass to the ground and vowing to retaliate with "All his power."
"I will destroy the government of Blizznow as you know it! And you will be my servant! We are mighty!" he screamed as he stormed away from the table.
"There can be no negotiations. It pains me, but force the only way to restore order. We must do what is best for the Blizznow people, " said President Kusto, in a comment about the incident. President Kusto has the support of Vice President Jara Oanna, and other leaders in the world who have dealt with the Eatinabits.
"We stand by our ally, President Kusto, and are here to offer whatever assistance we can. This is a battle that he can win, and will win," said President Jack Seven of Cannadio, who over a period of six months launched a devastating and bloody campaign against the Eatinabits, successfully uprooting the faction from his country. He is leading the way as a bastion of hope to others seeking to conquer the Eatinabits.
"We now have a common bond, and we will draw strength from one another as we seek victory against our mutual foe," said President Jennifer Sugarwith of Edgemonton, who is several months into her own campaign against the Eatinabits.
The President divulged no details about what comes next, but he promised that it will become evident "Very Soon." Vice President Oanna has enacted several initiatives that will reduce supplies to the Eatinabits and the President has already mobilized forces from Exricisa. More details as the story unfolds. (As told July 21, 2011)

Breaking News: Statement from Kusto on Eatinabit Occupation
By Franklin Wizzelbang aka President Kusto

To anyone who can read this, please read this note very carefully. This is your President, Walter Kusto, addressing the nation. Please be comforted, both me and the Vice President Jara Oanna are safe and sound here in our underground bunker. It has been a very long month and I apologize that it has taken so long to get the word out.

As you well know, our bold declaration of war against the Eatinabits led to a surge in enthusiasm for our cause and was punctuated by a marked increase in public popularity for our just action. In the immediate days after, we held firm control of Exricisa and a few other cities. I confess to you, that in my impetuousness, we let our guard down, and could not have expected the events that ensued.

Assuming that you only have limited knowledge of the truth of the events of the past few months, let me begin by saying that our surge was quickly repelled by a suprising and massive uprising of hidden Eatinabit soldiers. It is true that they overwhelmed our forces in Exricisa within a matter of weeks and quickly swept through the country, crushing our forces wherever we met. The devastation was widespread. I was personally taken, in the immediate days after, to see the destruction of our various military installations and I am here to tell you that our situation is dire.

All too quickly, people are realizing the true intentions of rebel leader Jenko Frido. He wasted no time in siezing control of the country and its borders, and set himself up as Despot. I understand that he employed a deadly new weapon, a devestating railgun on cutting edge of technology, nicknamed the M&M. He wasted no time in turning the weapon on the people, using it to crush the few attempts at resurgence that I had tried to orchestrate with our military. I am saddened to announce that the four-star General, Krispus Vegetus, has gone MIA and is suspected to be a POW under the Eatinabits. Scattered intel reports that he has a simple message to deliver to the citizens of Blizznow, "The Cake is a lie." Our best people are trying to decode the message, but we have not been able to make sense of it yet.

Vice President Jara Oanna would like to reassure you that she is doing everything in her power to weaken the hold the Jenko has on our great country. Her efforts to cut off the supply lines, while hindered, are still largely in place due to their secretive nature. She has also overseen the opening of several safe houses throughout the country. If you seek to be free from Jenko's rule, you will be contacted. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to locate the safe houses.

To those of you who continue to live your life, enjoying the free hamburgers and hot-dogs offered daily by the Eatinabits, please do not continue to indulge in their offers. The nightly french-fries and milkshakes program that he implemented may seem like a good plan on the surface, but it is to ensure your destruction. The donut trucks that roam the cities offering free donuts to anyone who asks are not there to help you! They will destroy you! Rest assured, the Eatinabits are not your friends. They do not wish to help you! Abandon Jenko and return to the roots of hard work and temperance that made Blizznow the great nation that it is today.

To those who see the true nature of our situation, our situation is bleak, but not lost. Hope remains anew each day, and we can cast off the tyranny of Jenko with perseverance. I have appointed a new and very able General to oversee the mustering of new troops. Interim General, Lowf Atmalk will be overseeing our military initiatives in the short term, including an impending operation to liberate General Vegetus. I have the greatest confidence in General Atmalk and his ability to take what little we have of our forces and organize them to become a resistance force to free our people.

I remain hidden in an undisclosed location for the safety of the country, and as a result, I have had difficulty contacting the international community. Rumors have emerged that President Sugarwith of Edgemonton will be issuing a statement on her own operation against the global menace that the Eatinabits have become. I can only hope she is faring better than we are. I am also happy to report that President Jack Seven of Cannadio managed to meet with me personally, through an elaborate conspiracy that allowed him to elude the Eatinabit border guard. He provided valuable information that helped him free his own country from the menace, and we plan to employ the strategies he suggested. Our intel sources report that he did actually make it home safely and rumors suggest he may release a statement to the international community on our behalf.

Your President stands for you, the people. I pledge to resist the Eatinabits as long as needed and we will be free from Jenko's tyranny. Please remain strong and support one another in these difficult days. Until next time.

-President Walter Kusto of the Great country of Blizznow

State of Edgemonton today
by President Sugarwith of Edgemonton aka Jen Stephens
President Kusto,

This will be short but I wanted to give you an update on the state of country. It has been a hard few weeks since my Edgemontons' joined the fight for the independence from the Eatinhabits. With gusto the Eatinhabits have attacked both the southern and middle regions of my country and have waged a deep war against our efforts. While they have attacked you with the M&M's they have unveiled a new terror upon us.

The Emotioneze have ravaged the land. When my people are at peace the Eatinhabits unleash this deadly weapon to lull us into self-satisfaction. When we are angered they attack harder. When we are saddened by the many losses in our force they attack with an unparallel force. My people are weary but continue to fight.

We are sad to see hear that General Krispus Vegetus has fallen into the hands of the enemy. He has been successful in one small area in Edgemonton as he sent Farmer Mar Kets to our area and has been able to nourish my people with fresh produce. Of course, Jenko Frido's people have infiltrated but have been fought back with our own crude weapons that were brought to us by the workers in Exricisa.

We will not give up the fight though and will continue to work for the common goal. We pray for you and Vice President Jara Oanna and your ability to keep up the fighting.

If any word can reach President Jack Seven of Canndio it would be appreciated that he gives us any reinforcements that he can spare.

For Blizznow! For Edgmonton! For Cannadio!

Sincerely,

Sugarwith of Edgemonton

Update from President Seven and the Nation of Cannedio
by President Jack Seven aka Jack Seven aka A. Cannedy

Hello friends

It's been several months since our last report and I'm pleased to report that everything is going well. It's seems since action has been taken against the Eatinabits, many insurgents and rogues have made themselves known. They have dwelt amongst our people for so long but since the new policies have been enforced, they have come to light and have been driven out. We had so many members of the Eatinabit regime present, that they made up a good portion of our nation's population. Since action has been made against these terrorists, significant damage has been done to our city.

With the help of AE Construction, we're able to build smaller yet more defensable strongholds. We are actually in negotiations with A&F Construction as well in hopes of some collaboration but they are presently above our pay grade. Once we get rid of more Eatinabits and our stocks increase again, then the collaboration will look more promising.

Regrettably, we've seen a rise of vigilante Eatinabit groups that have made themselves known and have halted progress. In a recent election, current Secretary of Defense Xavier Thorton was defeated by Shaun Zannity. Thornton will leave office in four weeks and Zannity will assume the position as Cannedio's new Secretary of Defense. Both these men have great tactics against the terrorists and the citizens of Cannedio will never forget the contribution made by Thorton. Even though Thorton was defeated, Zannity offered Thorton an assistant position to Thorton; to which he agreed. But the remaining Eatinabits are proving to be the strongest of the mold. Therefore, the nation of Cannedio has a new motto: "Going from extreme to insane against tyranny and insurgency."

May the Lord be with President Kusto and President of Sugarwith.

The battle rages. Fight on.

President Jack Seven of Cannedio

Check this out!

2011-08-18T19:45:00.000-04:00

I have a mirror.

I use said mirror in the mornings.

I look to make sure that my skirt is on correctly or my pants legs aren’t wrinkled.

I brush my teeth and look to make sure that they are sparkly white.

I make sure that my clothes fit and aren’t too tight or too loose.

I make sure that my hair isn’t messy, overly teased, or unkempt.

I make sure that my makeup is tasteful and natural looking.

I wear heels because I love them and they make me feel confident and powerful.

So……enough about me while I admit something….

I am a snob.

The reason I say this is that I can’t believe the way some people dress and how they don’t have enough pride to look nice. Maybe it is because they have confidence and think that they can look the way they do and be fine. Maybe I hide behind my clothes because I don’t have enough confidence to look like a sloppy mess outside of the house. I want the people I am with to be happy to be seen with me instead of being ashamed.

Where I work is a casual work environment. Jeans, flip flops, and t-shirts are acceptable clothing for the agents. When I was a phone agent I can remember there was 1 time, just once, that I didn’t dress up because I felt horrible, I didn’t want to really dress up. My work was affected by it. I see agents every day come in wearing pajama pants and hoodies while wearing flip flops. I just shake my head.

When I was asked to apply for a coaching position the person who asked me said the reason they thought I would be good for it was because I dressed nice and they could tell I was serious about moving up and making something of myself. If I wore jeans they didn’t have holes, they were dark wash, worn with stiletto boots and a button down shirt or I wore a skirt with heels. It makes a difference, it really does.

Today, as a staff member, I hardly ever wear denim and if I do it is a nice skirt with a dressier shirt and heels. Casual Fridays may be khaki and nice sandals and a clean, pressed t-shirt but I still don’t dress sloppily.

I may not be as confident about my weight or body as other people but I dress to suit it and flatter it.

I had started thinking about all of this after the county fair last week. I saw so many people in things that didn’t flatter them at all!

There were girls in shorts that showed too much cellulite, men in ratty cut off t-shirts, women in shirts that didn’t cover their muffin tops that their two sizes to small pants created. It was flat out disgusting.

I should envy them I suppose. They have a confidence to wear those kind of clothes without hesitation, something I couldn’t do. Even yesterday, amongst friends, while cooking I took off my jacket and felt uncomfortable because I was wearing something sleeveless. Lack of confidence? Maybe. I even mentioned it today to someone that was there and he said that he didn’t know why I was so self conscious about it. (Second time I have heard that this week…believe me I am listening..and it does build the confidence to hear it.)

So while I continue to take pride in myself, and won’t even go to the store without first doing my hair, I will continue to shake my head at those that don’t seem to care…and maybe even envy their confidence.

Yup, I blogged.

2011-08-13T19:12:00.001-04:00

It has been a while and a lot has happened….too much to tell and too hidden to say it all. So at the risk of sounding preachy there have been some musings and dwellings.
For a girl who doesn’t mind being single marriage is on my mind a lot. But it isn’t because I am ready to marry the next handsome face that asks me my name….it is more a indwelling of thought and reflection.
After what was the singularly worst decision I have ever made in my life I was talking to my dad. I have fully accepted the responsibility of all my decisions and it is a sticking point with some people that I don’t live with my parents and at 29 going on 30 don't let my parents make decisions for me. I know some people that live with their parents and are still independent and make their own decisions. My decision was not to live with my parents and to make my own decisions. I am impulsive to a fault and too contemplative at other times. My dad described me as this, “You are John Wanye; you kick in the door and then look to see what is on the other side.” It is a very true fact that I have to deal with every day.
So after bad decision 2011 in the conversation via email with my Dad I told him that I felt at the time that there were those that just wanted me to get married and become a muumuu wearing, truffle eating, child bearing housewife and let the man make the decisions. It was a laughable moment in the torrent of bad but it made me realize some more about myself. I make decisions but I learn from them. Bad decision 2011 will never happen again. I learned from it. I haven’t made a lot of bad decisions over the course of my life. There have been a few missteps but never to where I haven’t gotten good out of it and it didn’t mess up anything in my life so badly that I curled up and stopped living. Bad decision 2011 almost did that to me. I struggled with it for a while and I still do struggle with it every day. It won’t go away easily and I will have to face it for the rest of my life but it will get easier.
Christians aren’t supposed to be depressed over all but the devil uses things like Bad decision 2011 to lure me into this sense of worthlessness and hopelessness and darkness. Some people didn’t understand. They thought I was letting others get in the way of what I wanted when I was actually taking a giant step back to re-evaluate and become stronger by myself instead of where I could rely on others. Some don’t even fully and will never fully know the personal level of hell that I put myself through because of BD2011.
So what does marriage have to do with this? I thought to myself during the months following BD2011 and thought maybe it would be easier to just get married that way someone else could make the decisions for me. My mom told me on my visit to their house that I should get married, that it was time. Someone else told me to slow down so a guy could catch up to me. (my response?: The guy needs to stop me in my tracks.) This is the overwhelming decision in my life: Marriage is not the solution to my problems.
I have a varied group of friends. Friends that many of my other friends would not agree with but they are endlessly good people that would give their right kidney to me if I needed it. Some are very happily married and are giddy with excitement to see their spouse at the end of the day. Some are divorced with kids and are looking for some one to fill that empty void they feel. One or two have been widowed or are widowers and are searching. Others simply are barred from being married. Others are desperately single and want more than what they have. And then there are the friends like me, happily single but still enjoy the thought of dating and getting to know someone. (Moment of truth: I still wonder about whatshisname and if anything will ever come of it but I don’t dwell.)
It will happen one day. Out of the blue. There he will be. I know what I want the man to be like but haven’t limited my possibilities. I am not saying I will never get married. There just isn’t a reason for me to be married this moment.
BD2011 taught me a lot and humbled me. And good or bad the decisions, as I have said so many times, are mine and I accept them and learn from them.
So to those that are married…continue on and be a good example to those of us who aren’t. For those of you that aren’t married…enjoy and keep going because one day you will be stopped in your tracks by a look and you will know.
I love this song from “Guys and Dolls”. I will be like Sky Masterson…I just know it.

For I've imagined every bit of him
To the strong moral fiber to the wisdom in his head
To the home-y aroma of his pipe
You have wished yourself a Scarsdale Galahad
The breakfast-eating, Brooks-brothers type.
Yes, and I shall meet him when the time is right.

SKY. (spoken) You've got the guy all figured out.
SARAH (spoken) I have.
SKY (spoken) Including what he smokes. All figured out, huh?
SARAH (spoken) All figured out.

I'll know when my love comes along
I won't take a change.
I'll know he'll be just what I need
Not some fly-by-night Broadway romance.
And you'll know at a glance by the two-pair of pants.
I'll know by the calm steady voice
Those feet on the ground.
I'll know as I run to his arms
That at last I've come home safe and sound.
Until then, I shall wait.
Until then, I'll be strong.
Oh, I'll know, when my love comes along.

SKY. (spoken) No, no, no! You are talking about love! You can't dope it like that. What
are you picking, a guy or a horse?
SARAH (spoken) I wouldn't expect a gambler to understand.
SKY (spoken) Would you like to hear how a gambler feels about the big heart throb?
SARAH (spoken) No!
SKY (spoken) Well, I'll tell you.

Mine will come as a surprise to me.
Mine I lead to chance and chemistry.

SARAH (spoken) Chemistry?
SKY (spoken) Yeah, chemistry.

Suddenly I'll know when my love comes along
I'll know then and there
I'll know at the sight of her face
How I care, how I care, how I care
And I'll stop. And I'll stare.

And I'll know long before we can speak
I'll know in my heart.
I'll know and I won't ever ask
Am I right, am I wise, am I smart.
And I'll stop. And I'll stare.
At that face. In the throng.
Yes, I'll know when my love comes along
I'll know
When my love comes along.

I'll know. I won't take a chance.
I know he'll be just what I need
Not some fly-by-night Broadway romance.
Until then, I shall wait.
And till then, I'll be strong.
Oh, I'll know when my love comes along.

It's impossible.

2011-06-01T00:26:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had a moment that you literally felt frozen in time? Maybe it was the moment that you saw your bride for the first time as she walked down the aisle. Or that time you held your new born son. It could even be that moment, that you knew, in a glance that you found the one with which you were meant to spend the rest of your life.
I had a moment like that the other day.
No, I didn’t find the One. No, I didn’t hold a baby. (Shudder! No, I am not totally a baby-a-phobe but they aren’t on the priority list. My clock isn’t ticking.) And no, it wasn’t a wedding.
It was simply holding my dad’s hand.
There are so many things that I love about my dad, things I want in that potential mate. And hands like my dad make the list.
When I left for college, the first time, my dad tucked away something in the car that showed to the core who he is. He had traced his hands on a simple piece of ply wood and cut them out and attached a 3x5 card that had a simple message on it. I was foolish and lost the card but I still have the hands. They were simply there to remind us, my sister and I, that he was there when he was needed.
I love his hands. They aren’t softest hands (which is fine with me, it’s that whole man’s man thing) but they aren’t too rough. They are thick, meaty I suppose. There are scars on the fingers and the nails are bitten done or rubbed down from manual labor. Some arthritis has set in and makes a couple of the fingers cramp in pain.
These are hands that held me as a baby. Hands that smoothed out my hair when I had a nightmare. Hands that guided mine as I tried to reel in the weeds I had caught. (To this day I hate fishing and told my dad that by throwing my rod into the river when I was six.) Hands that held me afloat as we swam at the local pool. Hands that held mine when I had stitches in and then taken out after crashing on my bike. Hands that steadied mine when I fired my first 9mm. (Still love to do that to this day!) Hands that taught me how to make a camp fire. Hands that held a Bible at Christmas and read the story of Jesus’ birth. Hands that clasped in prayer for countless hours over my wayward paths.
But this is where my moment comes in. I am happiest just slipping my hand into my dad’s hand and just walking beside him. When his hand wraps around mine I feel safe, secure, welcomed, and loved. He doesn’t squeeze my hand to keep me with him but it isn’t too loose so that I can slip away easily. It is, in a word, perfect.
I am sure one of these days I will have another moment but for right now this is it. There is nothing in this world that can make me happier than holding my dad’s hand.
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I really don't know why I am sentimental tonight. (It's like a white owl, rare but beautiful!)

Happy Talky Talky

2011-05-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

I have worked a couple phone jobs between college and where I work now. I don’t usually mind talking to people face to face but I don’t like talking to them over the phone. The first job I had in college was working as a telemarketer (gasp) for a credit card company, which I hated! I went back to that job a couple of times because every time a job wouldn’t work out I would use them as a fall back. The hours were horrible, I don’t like begging people to take something I don’t believe in, and I don’t like being leashed to a desk for hours at a time.

When I moved to Utah I worked briefly as a credit collector where I spent 8 hours a day calling people to pay their bills. I got a small commission based on the amount of debt I could collect. It was a soul draining job.

I soon moved to the company I work with now and once again I was leashed to the desk for hours at a time without time between customers calling in to yell about their cable bills. Once again I hated it but because there are opportunities to advance I started looking for other positions to advance too. And I did. I moved 3 positions, each better than the last, in less than 9 months. I now work in recruiting where I still have to talk to people on the phone but it is more on my schedule with my agenda.

I say all that to say this: I hate talking on the phone.

BUT

I do understand more and more why I can’t text everyone that I want to talk to.
There are so many nuisances that come with text messaging: you wait forever to have someone text you back, the text doesn’t send, you don’t realize you got a text back, “tone” can be misinterpreted and not all people want to carry a unlimited texting plan or any texting at all.

It is really difficult to fight via text. Sidenote: I have done this recently but honestly didn’t care because fighting via text was better than hearing the guy’s voice, whiney and nasal…HORRIBLE combination. (I like men that sound like men)

On the other hand texting is better for me in most cases and this is why: I have a self diagnosed hearing problem. No, I haven’t seen a doctor for it but if I don’t have the phone up as loud as it can go and firmly pressed against my ear with no background noises I can’t understand a thing. So, my cop out is texting allows me to “hear” everything.

A good friend of mine, C+W, is frugal (NOT stingy) and doesn’t carry a texting plan beyond so many a month on her phone. We don’t text. We tweet at each other and once in a while when it just can’t be said via tweeting we will talk. And I don’t mind in the least. I feel like we understand each other because I will have an hour phone conversation with her but she doesn’t call every day just to check how the weather is. I LOVE that about this girl.

Another good friend of mine, RSL, doesn’t like to talk on the phone but carries unlimited texting so that is our chosen form of communication and it works. She has an inner ear problem and learned to read lips when she was younger so that she could catch the conversation. I need to learn that art because conversations with background noise drive me crazy in trying to hear. We do so great at texting. Once or twice a week we will have our check in chats. 10-15 texts and we have caught up and know what is going on.
Both forms of communication work.

I have been thinking about this because of an application that came through work. We are an office with four phones, each capable of ringing in 4 different phone lines. We don’t have texting or instant message so we all people and require them to talk on the phone to us. But this application was very presumptuous.

This is kind of what our phone information field looks like on our applications:
Main: ___-___-____ *yes *no additional information:
Secondary: ___-___-____ *yes *no additional information:
Mobile: ___-___-____ *yes *no additional information:

The applicant put this:
Main: ___-___-____ *yes *no additional information: see cell number
Secondary: ___-___-____ *yes *no additional information: see cell number
Mobile: ___-___-____ *yes *no additional information: TEXT ONLY, don’t call

I don’t know why the applicant thinks that a professional HR office would text her to let her know that we received her application. We had to laugh about it and roll our eyes. Needless to say we haven’t contacted her to work in a call center taking phone calls for 8 hours a day.

So what are you? Are you the texter? The talker?

Want to talk?

Facebook Folly and my self proclaimed manifesto.

2011-05-15T22:15:00.000-04:00

I don’t know how many of my friends on Facebook will actually read this blog post. I have said some things about FB before on here and it has become a more relevant thing more and more.
First I have to admit something, I, like everyone else who has a FB account, am nosy and I want attention. That is really what FB is about isn’t it? Being nosy with out actually participating in other people’s lives and getting attention from others is the very foundation of FB?
So what do you do when people that you are friends with start really spewing out things that are negative or so self centered? FB invented this nice little feature that allows you to “hide” people so that their pictures, status updates, and game scores don’t show up. I have used this feature and then from time to time I would search thru those “hidden” people to see what they have been up to. The issue that got me really thinking is that I had actually forgotten about some of the people that were “hidden”. I honestly forgot that we were “friends”. So that would lead to the assumption that I should just delete them and allow them and myself to go along our merry ways but I just couldn’t hit that delete button. The reason? Because I am nosy and though I don’t want continually barraged with their me me me status, their more than 5 times a day status, their status that has swear words, their status that makes them think they are cool because they double every last letter, I still want to have that ability to look, on my time what they are doing and when they are “partyingggg” (stupid isn’t it?)
Oh, and I do know I will sound slightly hypocritical at times because right now I have been updating on an almost daily basis that I am leaving for a trip to Maryland in a couple of days but those will stop soon enough and I will continually work to make sure I don’t fall into the traps for which I am railing against others.
What I am about to say will be used against me, I am sure, but this is what I feel and I will make no apologies for it.
I don’t care if it is your status or not…stop being so rude to other people when they tell or ask you something or don’t like what you have said. You expressed your stupid opinion now let other people express theirs. Oh and go ahead and un-friend me or block me or whatever I don’t really need friends that only value themselves and not the opinions of other people.
I don’t really care about Fishville, Farmville, Cookville, poker, word jumble, or Mafia so stop asking me to play them so that you can get a chicken for your coop or a new waiter for your diner or a new bazooka.
I will unhide you when you can prove to me that every status can actually be written in plain, concise English and not some redneck hickville language you picked up because you spent more time playing in school than actually learning anything. Yes, I am expressing my opinion about your stupidity so hide me at will or just delete me.
If you are continually being emo, quoting song lyrics, putting up passive aggressive status then consider yourself hidden until I can figure out what I want to do with you.
You will be deleted if you continually complain about your children and then ask me to “like” or play something. Get a life outside of the virtual one and raise your children.
I am not the best Christian. Over the past months I have done some things that I regret and while trying to become better I have to live with those things. One thing that I have to deal with is this issue of negativity. It is so easy to be negative all the time because things aren’t going our way. I was passed up for a promotion after 3 times of trying for that particular position and I admittedly was not happy and put too many negative things on FB. I did a great disservice to a church and myself in December when I said some things that could have hurt the testimony that others see in that church. We are inundated with negativity all day long and while it doesn’t hurt to ask prayer for some trial i.e. death of someone, a pressing matter putting your negativity can only lead to one thing, people only thinking about you as being the negative person. It is sad to say how much of this goes on. I have one FB friend that is so mindful of this and in some of the hardest times she has sought to only praise God. She will never know how much it means to me, when I was losing faith, to see her situation and her love and praise.
This could fall under the category of negativity but I also get so distressed when people are tearing down others in their daily multiple statuses. A while ago a tv special aired that delved into the practices of IFB churches. I am not defending nor condoning the practices but there was so much mud slinging and name calling that if you even sided one bit with one side you were deemed a witch monger and if you didn’t agree with what the other side was saying you were deemed “an unsaved liberal”. I was afraid to say anything because I would have been branded which was funny because I agreed on some level with both sides. You know what is funny? Not one thing has been said by anyone after that first initial 4-5 days. (My thoughts are that if you believe in a “cause” so much you will continue with it even when the hype has been diminished).
A friend mentioned today that he was thinking about closing his FB, which he then amended to taking down pictures and not allowing postings to his “wall”. I fully support him if he chooses to do that. I have his number if I need to call him or email if I want to talk.
But what can I do? Back in February I gave up soda because I was too addicted to it. And right now I am thinking that it would be a good thing to try it with Facebook.
So on June 1, 2011 I will be “giving” up FB for a month. I won’t post any pictures, give you a status, like or comment on anyone’s wall. Then I will decide. And if I lose friends over this then so be it.
You can still follow me at sugarwithanedge on Twitter or read this blog.

Don't lie about it.

2011-05-04T19:50:00.000-04:00

I have been toying with this idea for a long time because while others have felt this sense of being utterly and entirely alone I haven’t felt this way.
Sure I have been on the outside of a big group of girls, dressed up in their old fashioned dresses on old fashioned Sunday at an old fashioned bible college, posing on the forbidden stairs, taking pictures and laughing at each other. I have sat on the side and watched them, feeling left out and lonely and ugly, because unlike them and their oh so desirable little waists and feathered hair, I was stout and preferred straight hair with highlights which didn’t blend in to the old fashioned look the whole girls dormitory went for, calling it modest, in place of out of date and frumpy. I was never one of them, though I blended, and found friends more my current, which good or bad, is neither here nor there. But it was this one moment that I felt alone and I made a silent vow, I would never feel that way again.
Today I am perfectly at ease, by myself, at a restaurant, reading or people watching. Being there, breathing in the smells and seeing the colors, reminds me that other people are there too. I am not morose and a withdrawn wall flower either because I love my Saturday nights at the Murphy’s house, singing and playing games, or Sunday nights with the guys making deep fried French toast and all 10 of us snuggling and watching cartoons or even those cherished walks with my friend Gina as we discuss the beautiful boy I am currently crushing on (he has a good personality, is absolutely dreamy, seemingly whip smart, and I am still waiting to see about the sense of humor). My gym time is spent huffing and puffing with my friend Misty or Stefania, while we go over the day and what the plans are for next week, the weekend, or next year.
So I don’t understand this thought of being alone. What does it feel like to think, though you talk to others on a daily basis, that you are alone? What is it like to believe, in yourself, that while you are talking, working, and living alongside others that you are alone?
Is it selfishness that drives us to say that we are alone? That because others are not doting on us and our needs that we are indeed alone? That is where I was in college. I was being selfish and thinking that others needed to be tuned in to my needs and desires when I wasn’t at all trying to be tuned into theirs. When you start caring about the needs of others you then become less concerned about yourself and your needs and you will find that you are not alone.
Two very opposite stories have been told this week. One by a friend from college, he might have tuned into this but I slightly liked him and hoped that coffee mixed with hot chocolate would meld into something more but it never did but we are still friends and I wouldn’t have it any other way. He was out and about, skateboarding and came across a young man sitting on a park bench. My friend passed him and then felt this intense need to go talk to the boy. Come to find out, through sobbing and tears, that he felt alone and was actually sitting there contemplating taking his own life. Said friend was able to help him and speak to him about the truest Friend and witness. I am interested and have inquired if anything further has happened.
The second is about a woman that was found, mummified, in her own home about a year after she had passed away. She had been a model for magazine way back when and though she kept to herself, was said to have been loved by many. She was found a YEAR after she died. The neighbor finally was interested to see what had happened to her due to cobwebs and yellowed newspapers.
Those people, in all intents and purposes, were alone. But why were they? I wonder if they had reached out more would they have felt or died the way they did?
I will try not to go off on a “single girl tangent” but I get tired of the idea that because I am single that I am alone. Believe me, if something were to happen to me, there would be enough people that would wonder and raise some questions. I haven’t felt that I needed, though wanted, someone in my life to make me feel not alone. I will save the argument of being loved for another day because using the same thought as above, I am loved. Yes, yes, it’s not that special bond of husband and wife but I still know, by my friends, I am loved.
I am not trying to toot my own horn but it comes from a college freshman sitting on a couch feeling sorry for herself that she was alone while surrounded by many that changed this outlook. I am not alone because I refuse to allow others to be lonely.
Besides, how can I say I am alone? I didn’t have the weight of the world’s sin on my shoulders and my father turning his back on me now did I?

The Pied Piper

2011-04-30T00:34:00.000-04:00

SO….I haven’t written for a long time then come out with a semi-emotional “letter”. But here are some things happening to me…in vague non committal tones.

Job: Love it. I really have enjoyed working in the HR department at work. I meet a lot of wonderful people and could write a small pamphlet on funny things people have said or done before, during, or after their interviews. I don’t interview people myself but I do get to hear about it. And of course the various ways people explain drug and background charges is HILARIOUS and sad.

Friends: I have met a bunch of awesome people lately. They are friends of friends and they have become my friends. Many of them come from very different backgrounds and points of views but at the core of it they have fun and are good people. I have been able to strengthen some friendships with others and it makes me so happy. I have AH-MAZ-ING friends.

School: I am going to be attending school again in the fall. They are more general education classes but I have looked at some elective classes I want to take and I am excited about them as well. If my internet connection was better and my laptop more portable I would take summer online classes but alas!

Church: Um…I have been bouncing to be honest but will settling down again at Grace very soon. One church I have attended is to southern convention for me and the other one made a major change to their doctrine and while others have accepted it, (they have to answer to God about it, not I) I am not comfortable with it. So off I go, again. Please pray for me though. I had vowed deeply never to return to Grace but feel that for the time being until big changes happen later in the summer it is where I need to be.

Dating: There hasn’t been any real dating for a while now. But there is something interesting going on and I don’t know but I am interested to see what happens.

Life: As always it’s a changin’! Many super duper muper (as my sister’s kindergartners say) coming down the line.

An open letter and a heartfelt prayer

2011-04-28T23:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Self,

You really have been through the ringer the last couple of months haven’t you? You gave up on friends, on faith, and on yourself. It was hard to watch you as you tumbled into this wallowing pit of self despair. Everyone knows you can do anything you set your mind to and it wasn’t until you sat in a chair in your bosses’ office, choking back tears, that you finally saw it for yourself.

The world is your proverbial oyster. Here are some things you need to do:

1. Ask forgiveness of yourself for not accepting yourself.

2. Keep striving to get better.

3. Don’t be so hard on yourself when you look at others.

4. Don’t berate yourself for not losing the weight you want but celebrate that you are running again and feel better then you have in a long time.

5. Keep planning. Those little bumps in the road are only there to remind you that anything worth having is worth fighting for.

6. Oh, and keep fighting.

7. Keep your eye on the prize. Don’t be afraid to look at the earthly prize but keep a focus on the heavenly prize.

8. Don’t compare yourself so much to others. That skinny girl at the gym that doesn’t break a sweat when running on an incline at a speed of 6 miles an hour? Her breath stinks.

9. Just be you.

You have so many people that love and support you and they have been rooting for a long time for you to root and love yourself. Seize the day! Make it yours and don’t look back at yesterday because you won’t see tomorrow. The next couple months are going to seem easy, everything has come together easily but after this is the test of character and will, God’s will or yours. Make sure you keep in step with Him.
Don’t worry. You can make it.
Love,
Me

Oh, and those friends that have encouraged you and loved you? Don’t forget to thank them.

Day 30: Well la tee dah

2011-04-05T21:31:00.000-04:00

Ok peeps...an hour, 60 minutes, of straight cardio...done and done!!! Felt so good. I didn't run that whole time but I did the stair stepper and the treadmill so I am feeling amazing!

AND WE ARE DONE!! Thanks for hanging in there with me everyone. Keep checking back for more from me though.

Day 30 - hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

I am done with the 30 day challenge…many days over due but I have completed it. Something I, at times, almost came to loathe because I felt like I HAD to blog and unless you are writing a daily in the newspaper blogging isn’t something I feel you HAVE to do everyday just because you have a blog. So here I am, Day 30 and it comes at a very interesting time in my life.

This is one of those unfortunate things. I can’t answer this except in very vague and general terms.

Here is my hope: That I am loved by friends and I find new ones that I can love. That I can be a blessing to others and encourage them. Hope that I can finally act my age (never!). Hope that my walk with the Lord is strengthened and that people can see it.

Here is my dreams: That I am settled in the sense that I know, really know, what my purpose is. Dreams of grandeur aside, my dream is to continue to be me, not what others want me to be. A dream of being where I belong.

Here is my plan: To keep pushing myself and never taking no for an answer in my life.

You will never know what I am capable of until you tell me I can’t do it.

Those are my hopes, dreams, and plans.

Day 29: Chocolate isn't just a noun.

2011-04-05T01:14:00.000-04:00

I am hurting! Physical exhaustive pain. But it's that happy pain. I have been pushing myself at the gym because I am finding what I was doing just wasn't enough. I added running into the mix so I am running (working my way to running) 30 minutes a day every day while doing weights and toning alternate days. We will see how it goes.

Exciting things in the future people!!

Oh, my friend Gina told me the other day that she was going to start praying that I find a husband....I need to tell her the specifics I guess. Hmmmmm could day dream about this!!! (Yeah, yeah...I am being girly..get over it...it's a rarity.)

Day 29 - car you drive ( and past cars too!)

I switched the last two days if anyone cared to notice. It’s been a long road and we are almost done.

The last day is about hopes, dreams, and my plans for the next 365 days which seemed to be a more fitting ending to the challenge then what kind of car I drive. So I have changed it.

My dad gave my sister and I a car when we were in high school. We had to share it which was ok. I, though my sister probably does, can’t remember the make of the car but for some reason topaz keeps running through my head. I have no idea why. My senior year of college they traded it for something bigger (think boat) and I can remember sitting in the parking lot almost in tears because the car was going away.

In college, my freshman year, I wasn’t allowed to drive because my sister hadn’t been able to drive her freshman year. Believe me, I drove anyways. Friends were always so willing!

Between my sophomore and junior year my sister got married and didn’t need a car anymore so I inherited a grey park avenue. Oh my gosh how I hated that car! It was a massive old granny car that I despised and I was such an ungrateful brat that I wasn’t happy that I even had a vehicle! That car had more than one problem: lost it’s fuel pump on a drive from Indiana to Maryland, it’s electrical shorted out and I sat on the side of the road outside of Fort Meade as the car’s horn honked and lights flashed and then in the pouring rain the trunk latch wouldn’t catch so some guys from the church dried it off the best they could and duct taped the trunk closed until someone was able to fix it. I was so happy when someone finally bought that car.

I was car-less until February of 2004, my senior year of college, when I bought, brand new off the lot, my car, my baby, my Proto. She is a 2003 Mazda Protégé with beige interior and sandy stone mica paint. She’s been dinged once or twice, has a few minor interior stains on the cloth, the floor mats are in ruin, there is a dead bug in my rear light panel that I can’t vacuum out and she has more than one “Ready Steady Cook” spill on the back seat. She wears her Heroes symbol proudly and just got a tune up curitoisy of my father. I learned what it means to rotate the tires, which is a family joke now, (goodness I hold a teaching degree and can debate politics but don’t ask me about rotating tires) and she has had her fair share of oil changes. Our next big road trip will push her over 100,000 miles. And the best thing about it? She is paid for, done with the last penny…so she is mine…all mine!

Day 28: No title

2011-03-22T23:36:00.001-04:00

Ok, I have had enough!!! The weather teased and flirted with us Loganites last week and now it has snowed...again..and is supposed to snow...the rest of the week. Come on already!!! I want flowers and robins and warm light jacket weather. BLARGH! I shouldn't complain because the Lord knows we need the moisture but really I would trade rain for snow right now.

Day 28 - whats in my handbag/purse

Oh this one is SO easy!!!!

Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

I haven’t carried a purse or a handbag for such a long time. I like things that have pockets so I always have a place to put keys and my chapstick. If I am going shopping a lot of the time I will just tuck my little long pocketbook ie…big enough for my drivers license, debit card, check book, and various other cards and the occasional cold hard cash under my arm and away I go. I don’t like carting around a purse. It either doesn’t stay on your shoulder or you keep switching it from hand to hand as you walk around. Drives me crazy because sure as I get it situated on my shoulder again I brush up against something and it comes falling down again.

I would rather have shoes.

Day 27: The Gift Horse

2011-03-21T23:49:00.001-04:00

I am beginning to feel like I have the ankles of a 60 year old woman. Today was a little painful to say the least at the gym. Maybe it is finally time to say goodbye to my NB sneakers and buy some new ones. *SNIFF*

Day 27 - my worst habit

A habit is something that is done by repetition, a repeated act that becomes involuntary or something done without thinking.

I had to think about my bad habits because I so easily can pick it out in other people. Those things that I find annoying.
Like, why doesn’t she know that tapping her fingers repeatedly on the steering wheel annoys people.
Or how does he not know that making bubbles with or chomping his gum is driving me crazy!
Maybe it’s that person that doesn’t understand personal space and every time I back up two inches they come forward three.
It could be that guy or girl that continually whistles loud shrill songs while I am trying to concentrate.
Or those people that call me back and say, “I saw you called but I didn’t listen to the message”.
And there is that one girl that is constantly sniffling, even if she doesn’t have a cold.
Or that guy that immediately corrects everything everyone else says because he always has to be right.
Might possibly be that woman that will never stop talking even though you are half way down the hallway.
Could be the person that constantly doubles all the last letters of each word in herr facebookk statuss likee shee iss cooll orr somethingg!

Then I realized…that is my bad habit. I immediately think of how they are annoying me. No one…and please do tell me…has told me, and I know I do, that I have bad habits. I brush my teeth, take a shower every day, wear things that make me smell nice. I don’t smack my gum or talk with my mouth full. I keep my distance when talking to people and I try to speak clearly so they can understand me. I don’t correct people (all the time). I try to be considerate of people around me and don’t talk too loudly or make distracting noises.

I am sure though if someone else got to examine my life for a day they would find things that are bad habits.

So what is it? What is one of my bad habits that YOU don’t like? Feel free to comment on Facebook, Twitter, or here!

(Oh, bad habit number 2. Instead of correct punctuation I use … a lot!)

Day 26: Why, I ought to....but I won't, I won't.

2011-03-20T01:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, so you know those 10 year plans? I had one…still have one but the first year has suddenly been put in a huge twisted noodle shaped abstract -in your face- don’t back down now kind of blob. But we adapt and overcome and that is exactly what I shall do…adapt and overcome…and lay everything back into God’s hands where it belongs.

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

What a week for this daily post to be about. No, really it is on the edge of your seat fantastic! And in detail? Phish…my days are so awesome you couldn’t handle the details!
Sunday: I woke up at 4:30...a.m. that was 3:30 a.m. the old time. Spring Forward came in with a force and my week wasn’t the same afterwards. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I turned on my laptop and watched some movies and finally fell asleep at around 7:30 only to miss my alarm and not get up in time to drive down to church (a hour away) so I decided to go to another church in the valley that I have been too when I can’t go to my “regular” church. I was excited about it but then I got to church and 45 minutes later walked out because the Pastor felt that the Lord had spoken enough from the music and the testimonies that we didn’t need preaching. It was odd. So in a little bit of a funk I went grocery shopping and decided to have a cranberry and roasted chicken salad for lunch, which was delicious, and settled in to read. I am currently in love with the Book of Job. That book can preach! Most people read a Proverb a day but if you ever think you have had a bad day…read Job. The rest of the day was literally wasted on being lazy though I did listen to a sermon online so I could get some preaching for the day.

Monday: Spring Forward continued to bring its vicious wrath upon my life and usually I am at work around 8:10-15 but I didn’t get to work until around 8:30 or :45. I couldn’t wake up! Then all day I had to work to stay focused and I made a couple of mistakes. By the time I went home at 5 I was mentally exhausted from just trying to keep focused that I went home and curled up and slept until I met my friend Stefania at the gym for our workout. I needed it but I was still so tired I crashed when I got home. (Like I said…so exciting)

Tuesday: So much more of the same. Really. My life sometimes has these lags in it that I don’t do anything and then sometimes I don’t have time to really breathe (I like those times better). The weather was beautiful though so instead of going to gym Stefania and I went to the river parkway to walk. We had agreed to meet at a certain time because she has some things to do that evening and I was at the parking lot a little earlier. I had left my phone at home to charge because I had planned on doing other things that evening and needed it for those. I waited and waited and then remembered there were TWO parking lots and I might be at the wrong one so I drove over to the other lot and saw her car but couldn’t find her. I jogged a little bit and finally caught up with her as she was coming back. We finished the walk and really enjoyed the weather. There is this really great place here that has these amazing baked chips served with mango salsa so we went there and enjoyed dinner while I totally forgot everything else that I was going to do. When I got home I remembered some books that were due and went to the library and picked up some movies and books then came home and fell asleep while reading. So much fun is my life.

Wednesday: Really nothing much to report…except that I worked myself hard at the gym and felt it the next day. I did talk to my friend and fellow blogger about a mini happening in her life but it was funny because I was having that same mini thing happening in mine as well! Both of us are generally ok with the whole being single thing…but for some reason at the same time during the same week we both had that, aw, I wanna be married thing. Believe me…we are both over it….for now! LOVE YOU GIRL!

Thursday: HAPPY ST. PATTY’S DAY! I wore my green! It is so funny what random things I do but even my car had some St. Patty’s day bling on! I had some plastic beaded necklaces in my glove box and I hung them from the rear view mirror. The three of us in the office had a mini potluck with corned beef, potatoes, and sourdough bread and lot’s of chocolate for dessert. (We have a drawer of chocolate in the office…yes, a drawer!) After eating all the yumminess I had to go to the gym but because the weather was so nice again we went for a walk instead. Amazing. Afterwards, in honor of the day, I had a Shamrock shake from McD’s. It’s so fluffy I could die! Lol I went to the post office, and back to the library then went to a late dinner with some friends for an Irish(ish) meal. The walk did me no good that day!

Friday: OH WHAT A DAY! It went really well. I was not feeling well from some health issues that arise every couple months or so but I managed to pull myself together and put in a full days work. I had received an email from Pastor back in MD asking if I would call when I could. So when I got home I did give him a call. Life can change you know. Like in an instant craziness can happen in such a way that it is all you think about. I hadn’t made any plans for the evening so I was just thinking and praying and reading and dozing when my friend, The Gnome, text and asked if I wanted to hang out. It at least took my mind off everything for a little bit…so thank Gnome!

Saturday: Today I have done nothing. Really nothing but slept and read and prayed and slept and read and prayed. Something about not sleeping well for almost a week just makes you want to sleep so that is what I did. I have slept. I was supposed to go to dinner with a friend but that didn’t happen so I made a variation of something I tried in a restaurant once. Caramelized broiled bananas. These are super easy!!! Slice a banana lengthwise, crisscross with a little maple syrup and sprinkle with brown sugar. Put under the broiler for 2-3 minutes and serve with whipped cream. D*E*V*I*N*E! It is a little sweet but oh so yummy. After all that goodness I decided that since I had fallen behind on blogging that I would write this post…not realizing that it was a week in review. But here it is…my week, in some sort of detail!

Day 25: The beginning of the end

2011-03-18T00:03:00.000-04:00

Ok...I crumbled...I caved...I gave in with out much fight or resistance...Shamrock Shake...has to be one of the GREATEST things of all time!!! It's so fluffy I could die! (ok, not literally but quoting movies is a 'thing' in the office and that one is a fav!)

Anyhoodle.....

(I am in a super silly mood!)

Day 25: A guilty pleasure

You would think I would say chocolate but oh no! there is a drawer of chocolate at work. And when I say drawer I mean a file cabinet with the little Tw*x, Cr*nch, Sn*ck*rs, R**s*s....almost anything you could ask for so sadly chocolate is not a guilty pleasure.

I love shoes so you would think that I would buy a ton of shoes. But nope I don't.

I love coffee yet I don't go to St*rb*cks often, in part, because I have found a really good blend of coffee that I love mixed with creamer. It's cheaper and I don't have to push around yuppies with puppies to get my coffee.

I love pasta and have it often so it's not that I go out and get a wonderful pasta dish at a restaurant and lick the bowl clean.

But there is one thing...one thing that I will have every so often...
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A steak.

That's it. My guilty pleasure...and who would have thunk this...is a steak.

But not just any steak.....a steak done my way. Now if you have to eat a steak that has been cooked until it is leather you might want to look away now.

Because my guilty pleasure is a broiled rib-eye covered in garlic butter onions with melted blue cheese crumbles on it. The steak is usually cooked for 3-4 minutes on each side then smothered with everything and broiled for another 2-3 minutes. It comes out rare, warm, and juicy. PERFECTION!!

Yes, I am becoming a foodie...and right now I want a steak!

Day 24: GO UTAH STATE AGGIES!

2011-03-17T00:47:00.001-04:00

Ok, it is really hard to write a post, have 4 text message conversations, and shift my aching gym weary body every 2 minutes but here it goes....

Day 24 - where I live- in detail, what makes it special?

I have had a hard time with this one…because right now I am having a hard time at finding Utah as special. It has been a rough weekend in my little world (yes, I know it is Wednesday) so I am bit jaded at the moment. Oh there are redeeming qualities….the mountains have been beautiful because it has stopped snowing for 4 blessed days and the peaks are covered with fresh snow and the weather has cleaned out the inversion pollution and the skies have been an azure blue. Spring just may be coming to Utah and I am ready for it.

As far as living situation goes I am still being blessed with house sitting. Now here is a special place: My landlady is a wonderful simple woman who has three Labradors, who love to dig in the dirt outside and seemingly shake it all off in the house while slobbering all over the furniture and the wood floors. I love her dogs but I have to say that I am glad that she takes them with her when she leaves. Anyways, she has opened her house to me and allowed me to make it semi-my own. I moved into her niece’s old room which has purple carpet and had, before my mom and I attacked with a nice tan paint, lime green walls. I am using the furniture, with it’s abundance of fairy stickers plastered the mirrors and doors, with the exception of the mattress which is in my storage unit; I swapped it for mine, which was given to me but in better shape.

The bathroom is a yellowish color and I have used my own dark brown bathmats and red towels with brown stripes to make it “mine”. LL (landlady) was very sweet and made sure that two cabinets were cleared and I have two drawers to use as my own as well.

The living room is simple with a few knick-knacks and when the dogs aren’t around my shoes are lined up by the front door, in nice little rows.

The town is what one would call quaint I suppose. Neat rows of buildings of old brick, little shops, restaurants with tables out front, people milling about and cars scurrying along the roads.

My favorite spot of the whole town is up on campus. The buildings are older brick and at the top of Old Main hill stands one of the oldest buildings with an A for Aggie on top. When the sports teams win the A is illuminated blue as a beacon for the whole valley to see. The quad is currently not the most pleasant spot to be as there is a building going up on part of it but for the most part it still is beautiful. My only wish is that I could have come here years ago when I was fresh and new and not so bogged down with other things that have stopped me from being more apart of the Aggie community but there are great and wonderful things in store. I will forever love this spot.

So even though there are things that I have not liked here there are some things that make Utah, the place I live, special indeed.

Day 23: Lackluster

2011-03-09T00:37:00.001-05:00

I have not be ignoring you...I have been wasting time on youtube.com TRYING to find something to post about....but read further for more information.

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I got nothing for Day 23: a youtube.com video

I just don't spend a lot of time on youtube and can't find that I would really want to share. So if YOU find one let me know and I will watch it but really...I have nothing.

Tomorrow should be much more interesting.

Day 22: HAPPY 200 POSTS EYESOFADIFFERENTCOLOR!!!

2011-03-06T01:51:00.001-05:00

I totally didn't realize it but my last post was 200 posts here on eyesofadifferentcolor.blogspot.com!!! It was exciting to see that.

This blog and I have been through a lot and I have loved every post in it's own unique way.

Here is the not so happy news....eating is a pitfall and it is actually ironic what my website for day 22 is....but the challenge for me to eat better didn't go at all well this week. I can only keep trying to do better and I shall, I know I shall.

Day 22: A website.

I, at the suggestion of a friend and fellow blogger, Sara, started following a blog written by a young woman who loves to cook. She is currently on the East Coast studying journalism (I believe) and working as a waitress in Boston. When she gets a chance she writes about food, recipes, the memories cooking brings to her, and some of the going ons of her life. I love it because it is well written with great recipes and beautiful photography...but...that isn't my website.

She and some friends, all of whom cook, formed a website. I LOVE IT. They don't post often enough for me but they are all college age so I give them some leeway.

Anyways, here it is, one of my favorite websites: www.kitchengeneration.com

NOTE: I tried four or five posts to get the link function to work. If you just copy and paste it will take you to that website, I checked!

Day 21: Hot mess

2011-03-03T23:23:00.000-05:00

Gym hurts...gym feels good...gym hurts. It's an up and down cycle but I still like (almost love) going.

Day 21 - a recipe

Ah! I knew there was a recipe coming up!

I have to have to have to share this with you. I just made it tonight and it needs a little tweaking in my opinion.

3-4 chicken breasts
½ can of cream of mushroom soup
½ can of cream of chicken soup
2 cups dried cranberries or pomegranates
2 jalapeño’s
½ brick cream cheese
½ can condensed milk
Salt
Pepper
Package of phyllo or croissant dough

Slow cook recipe

Take chicken breasts, soups, cream cheese, milk, salt and pepper and mix in crock pot. Cook on low for 6-8 hours.

Quick recipe

Boil chicken breasts in water until done. Mix soups, cream cheese, milk, salt and pepper until creamy.

Separate chicken from mixture and shred. Roast jalapeno’s in skillet until slightly blackened and chop finely or use food processor.

Mix creamy mixture, chicken, jalapeno’s, and dried cranberries or pomegranates.

Using muffin tins or ramekins layer dough to make a nest. Fill the nests with mixture and bake at 350 for 25 minutes.

SO YUMMY

Day 20: Jeepers

2011-03-02T23:59:00.000-05:00

OH MY TIDDLY WINKS!!!! The gym hurt...and it's going to hurt more tomorrow...I just know it.

Short post...I am tired.

Day 20: A hobby

I love to cook. I could spend all day in the kitchen making things up....breads, cookies, cakes, marinades, pies, pastas, meats...you name it! If I had the money for the food it took I would cook all day!

I follow no less than 15 cooking blogs...it's addicting!

I am so excited because tomorrow I am trying this new recipe that I can't wait to tell you how it turns out. In a day or so one of the posts is a recipe...I might have to share this one if it is good!

And I would love love love times 100 to make this hobby into a career of some sort. And I actually have mind to do so!

Day 19: Emoticons

2011-03-01T23:17:00.000-05:00

Day one of the new challenge and day 19 (plus some) of the blog challenge. All is well. I can't give you any glowing reports of gym time but I didn't have soda again and I had a healthy meal (and I left the rest of my veal at the restaurant!...I am actually sad about it.

Day 19: A talent

Oh boy! I really didn't know what to choose.

I don't have a great singing voice.

I am not artsy crafty like my friend Becca.

I don't have the best conversational skills. (Most of the time I get done with a conversation realizing that I talked an awfully large amount of the time.)

I am not overly smart.

I can't play an instrument.

I can't sew.

I can't arrange flowers.

I can't garden. (I have a mean vicious plant killing streak!)

Regrettably the post isn't about what my lack of talent is but rather one talent I do have.

So I will have to say that my talent is planning.

It is funny that yesterday's post was hard for me because I haven't sat down and planned a wedding for myself but I have helped others. I love to plan. I like the idea of a checklist and out thinking every possible thing that could go wrong. It is challenging and makes me think on my feet. I enjoy themes and fitting the pieces of someone else's thoughts into their perfect dream.

But the planning, oh, the planning.

I don't know if it is really a talent but it is something that I love to do.

Day 18: You old goat!

2011-02-28T22:44:00.000-05:00

Can I just say it is day 28 and I have done a lot of crunches, drunk no soda (ok, the ONE 7-Up when I was sick), and have done 18 posts? WOOT WOOT

Tomorrow starts another month of no soda and portion control...meaning if it says a cup then I am having a cup, it says 13 almonds I am eating 13 almonds...and I am still continuing on the exercise route...only this time I am pledging to do 5 days at the gym *which may or may not include 100 crunches*! I can do this!

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding

So this is going to be awkward....besides the occasional times that I have looked at wedding magazines with friends who were getting married or helped actually semi-plan I haven’t really thought about having a wedding. I would suppose that a wedding would all depend on who I was marrying (if I were to marry at all). I guess that I am waiting for the “want to” to happen so that I “want to” get married. I think of marriage as a long term roommate and so far I don’t have a very good track record with roommates and am worried that I could keep a husband for a long time. Yes, I understand that there are some major differences but I am still not sure that I can handle it.

But we aren’t talking about a marriage because a wedding and a marriage are two different things. So IF I were to get married then here are some ideas for my wedding.

It would be relaxed classy like I think I am.

Not too formal with tuxes and cummerbunds but nice cut suits with very elegant ties and pocket squares instead of flowers.

Minimal flowers *tulips please* and not too many ribbons and bows. I am not a frilly person and don’t think I have to change for one day to fit into the mold for others sake.

The ceremony would be simple with no unity candle or pouring of sand. The wedding is a union in itself so I don’t think that one needs to further symbolize the marriage.

My dress wouldn’t be a suit of armor made from beads and sequins and faux pearls. It would be, once again, classy.

Bridesmaids and groomsmen would be few and wouldn’t be matchy matchy. People don’t come in uniform sizes so I don’t know why people insist on putting their bridesmaids in dresses that are all the same and don’t fit the body types of the individuals.

The reception would be candles, lights, and glass with an elegant cake and very understated place settings. The food would be the amazing part of it and there would be laughter and happiness and probably a few tears.

Don’t ask me what the colors would be. Blue and red if I marry a Marine. Black and red if I marry a business man. Chocolate and burnt orange if I marry an outdoors man. Silver and blue if I marry an Air man.

I don’t have a set season or a certain agenda.

So IF I get married and have a wedding you now know what to expect. ;)

*And can I just say it took me about an hour longer to find pictures to show you kind of what I mean than it did to actually write the post?!?!?!*

Day 17: Outtakes

2011-02-27T23:54:00.000-05:00

I have a very good reason why I didn't post last night...I was busy!

It was the first cooking competition of the year and I was running around buying WAAAAYYYYY too much jicama and making food. After the competition we played games and then I went shopping (there was a great sale until midnight) and then up to work (where I seem to live) to drop off leftovers for a friend.

Day 17: An art piece (painting, sculpture, etc.)

I feel like a real ignoramus because I really had to think about a piece of art that I could describe and show in this post.

I know this...art is anything. Clothes, houses or buildings, oil on canvas, furniture, drawings, murals, sculptures, music, dance, or glass.

So here is my art piece.

I really don't have much to say about the piece...I just wish I could paint like that.

Day 16: Cold nights with a million stars

2011-02-25T20:56:00.000-05:00

I am trying to post earlier in my day (evening) so I don't fall asleep too soon and leave you all breathlessly waiting for my next post! *big ha ha there*

Day 16: A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

The song Victory in Jesus is a song that can make me cry or nearly cry. Here is the reason why...my dad wants it sung at his funeral.

My dad is a champion when it comes to living a victorious Christian life. I am nothing...and continually fall short if compared to him. He is a witness to the unsaved, a faithful defender of the our faith, and a solider of the cross. When he passes on, (and I pray it isn't for many many many times 100 years) he wants this song sung to remind people that this life is nothing because of the victory we can gain over sin and over death if Christ is our salvation.

I wish I could find a youtube clip or an mp3 version of the song that didn't sound like the singer was singing the whole song through their noses or with background music so horrible it drowns out the words but the lyrics are here and they, in and by themselves, are powerful.

"Victory in Jesus"

I heard an old, old story,
How a Savior came from glory,
How He gave His life on Calvary
To save a wretch like me;
I heard about His groaning,
Of His precious blood's atoning,
Then I repented of my sins
And won the victory.

Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about His healing,
Of His cleansing pow'r revealing.
How He made the lame to walk again
And caused the blind to see;
And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,
Come and heal my broken spirit,"
And somehow Jesus came and bro't
To me the victory.

Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about a mansion
He has built for me in glory.
And I heard about the streets of gold
Beyond the crystal sea;
About the angels singing,
And the old redemption story,
And some sweet day I'll sing up there
The song of victory.

Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

Day 15: Walking away just to turn around.

2011-02-24T20:46:00.000-05:00

I have been lazy....plain stinkin' good for nothin' lazy....when it comes to blogging!

I was doing so well! I have still stuck with the challenges of NO SODA and 100 CRUNCHES but 30 day BLOG challenge? Not so much...*SIGH*

The Girls
But I like this quote: "Every moment is another chance to change your direction." So I am taking this moment to change my direction and blog...before I do dishes, clean my room, clean the bathroom, look at recipes, or do my crunches.

Day 15: Your role model

Maybe this was why I was lazy...I can't decide on who my role model is! So I decided (sneakily..haha) that my role model would be my FRIENDS!!! Yes! That way it is one, as in singular, role model with more than one, as in plural, definitions!

So I am going to list some people and the reason I look up to them in some way.

Rebecca G: She is very industrious! She has her own Etsy shop, is a nanny, cleans houses, and is now learning to sew so that she can doing hemming and repairs...oh and takes cello lessons on the side! Whew! I marvel at all she does and need to learn some anti-laziness strategies with a side of industriousness!

Rebekah S: She is not judgmental! She and I have been roommates in the past so she knows some about me from those days. Right now I can't wait to go to Maryland to visit her because I know that she is not going to judge me for the things that I am working on overcoming. I always feel that she will still care for me and love me no matter what!

Rebecca M: She is one of the most helpful people. Her heart lies with helping students with disabilities but that care doesn't just stop with them. She truly wants to help anyone. There have been a couple times that my facebook post has mentioned being stressed and she is always one of the first people that I can count on to help me out if needed.

(I know a lot of Rebecca/Rebekahs!)

Gina S: She has a lot on her plate but she is one of the most caring people I know. She always has a quick note for me or a little gift when I go to visit her. But she will just listen which is the most important to me. She has listened to me cry and given me advice and helped me along some difficult times. Seriously one of the bestest people!

Robyn H: She is very encouraging. No matter what is going on in her own life she is one of the first people that you can rely on to encourage you. Many times while teaching she would see me on a bad day and offer a quick hug and a Bible verse. You can't help but fill uplifted when you talk to her because she just has this way of making you feel better about any situation.

Mariko K: She is forgiving. Of any of my friends she is the first to forgive. The beauty of her act of forgiveness with something in her life over the last couple years has literally brought me to tears. It is amazing what she has gone through yet she continues to forgive. Words can not describe how bitter she could be yet she has chosen to forgive.

Last but not least

Sherrie P: She is a servant. She loves to serve others and can be a little hurt if you don't let her. Whether it be filling in for piano, doing nursery, short order cook at camp, VBS register for her church and our Dad's church, meals for sick or new mom's, or teaching Sunday School AND Junior Church she likes to serve. Her house is always open for visitors that need help and there isn't anything that goes unnoticed if she is around.

THE GUYS

Shawn T: He is wise. He is my age yet he seems to be "older" because no matter what the situation he can provide feedback that is wise and helps everything clearer. He is truly one of my best friends and I love just talking with him because he can see a problem and wisely reason a better outcome.

Sam F: He is cheerful. There are days (very rare) that he can be a grump but for the most part he is truly cheerful. I can always count on him making me laugh when I am grumpy and (he doesn't know this) but a lot of times when I am feeling blue or grumpy I will just go talk to him because I know that he will make me feel better.

Darren J: He is faithful. He is a little bit of a different kind of friend because I have known him since 2005 but that whole time we will go months without talking and then pick up like nothing had happened. He is just a faithful "there anytime" friend.

So....I want to be just like my role model because there are so many things that are embodied that would be good for me to have in my life. Each thing mentioned is something that I can work on becoming better at over time...because remember..."Every moment is a chance to change your direction."

Day 14: It's the final let down.

2011-02-21T01:44:00.000-05:00

Woot! Day 14! I have not wanted to do ANYTHING today but here, quite literally at the almost midnight hour I am posting. Too much jambalaya has made me lazy! Ha!

Day 14: A non-fictional book.

I have to say one of the most powerful non-fiction books that I have read, outside the Bible, is...oh, wait there isn't one.

The Bible, in all it's glory, is a daring love story of redemption, honor, battle of evil and the triumph of good. It has romance (Ruth and Boaz anyone?). It has friendship (David and Jonathan). It has battles (Israel against, well, everyone). It has betrayal (Peter and Jesus).

There are lessons to be learned, inspirational quotes, songs, and rich characters that lived and breathed. Rich descriptions of people and places while telling a breathtakingly true story about redemption and the meaning of forgiveness and sacrifice. Story after story, truth after truth it tells the history of the world while showing the love of it's Creator.

There is no other non-fiction book like it.

Day 13: It's a vanilla creamer kind of day.

2011-02-19T18:07:00.000-05:00

*Hangs head*

I was an EPIC fail last night!! I usually hang out with my friend Shawn (Hi Shawn) on Friday nights after he wakes up...usually late because he works nights and Friday is his "day" off OR I am at Ian and Rebecca's (Hi Ian and Rebecca) and then meet up with Shawn later. But last night, oh! last night big plans had been made.....*cricket*....I had nothing to do! I was quite excited about it really. Shawn and I hadn't made plans.....so I was resting my eyes...mind you at 8:30 and didn't wake up until 3:30 this morning! I totally didn't actually mean to fall asleep but it happened so I didn't get my post in last night...but here it is today!

Day 13: A fictional book

So I already gave you the run down of my favorite book ever.....so I wasn't sure what to put here. What did they mean 'a fictional book'? So I thought and I thought and I thought....ok, not that hard really, but I did think and I came up with this:

I want to read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien.

For the first time, to the surprise of many, I have actually started to watch the series of movies which are based on the writings of Tolkien. So far I have greatly enjoyed them, though probably not a die hard fan, as some are.

But I really want to read these as I love books with rich description and deeply drawn out characters. Tolkien was supposed to be one of the best at developing story lines while staying true to each character as he moves them along.

Thank goodness though....I am not starting this as a challenge...just a 'want to' on my list of 'want to's'!!!

Day 12: Oh the things you can do!

2011-02-17T20:48:00.000-05:00

Wow wow wow wow wow. 17 days without soda! 12 blog posts! And about 11 days with doing 100 crunches!

Today I blinked and lost a hour of my time. It was, seemingly, that busy! Now I am just excited to sit down and have my cup of tea *I am so OLD* and relax.

Day 12: Something you are OCD about.

*rolls eyes*

This post could go on forever! But I will try to maintain the differences between OCD and things that annoy me because that list could really go on FOREVER!!!

If there was one thing I had to pick that I am OCD about it is keeping dishes out of the sink. I have been known to stop conversations and clean out the sink. I don't care if things are in the dishwasher and I am waiting for a full load before I start it; that doesn't bother me. But I can't can't can't stand having dirty crusty dishes in the sink. What is worse is when someone leaves water in a pot or pan so it can soak and then doesn't clean it out and the water gets slimy and cold. *shudder* I think this comes from the dishes rotation my sister and I had when we were younger and we were the dishwashers. My sister was dutiful and would do the dishes the night she was supposed to do them. I would procrastinate until the next morning and I would have dinner AND breakfast dishes in the sink making her work load lighter and me left with the slimy water or the crusty dishes. I have sense mended my ways and now can and will not abide them sitting in the sink.

Excuse me while I go rinse out my tea cup.

Day 11: Bow Tie Pasta

2011-02-16T23:47:00.000-05:00

HELLO?!!! Are you all still out there?

I am back....I was doing so well but then whooping cough got in my way. Can you believe it?! Whooping cough at my age. sigh

I am on the mend after a weekend of almost (sigh, again) 36 hours of sleep...yes, 36 hours of sleep.

So here I am with re-newed vigor to work on the 30 day challenge!

Day 11: A photo of yourself recently

Right before my birthday I had a session with my good friend Rachelle and she took some wonderful pictures of me at an old barn. Loved how most of them turned out so I wanted to share a few but I can't get more than one to upload! So here is the overall favorite(s)......

Day 10: Never again

2011-02-11T01:00:00.000-05:00

I almost didn't make it. I have been feeling so achy and have tried to convince myself that it is from the crunches and lack of soda but alas, when my voice failed this evening I had to resign myself to me being a little sick.

On the upside...I got a promotion at work. I am so excited to start! More about that after the challenge is over though.

Day 10: A picture of myself 10 years ago

This is the best I have. I believe it was taken my freshman/sophomore year of college so it is *SIGH* 10 years old. I shake my head at what I am wearing but the Jen of then still hides in the Jen of now....just in better clothes.

Day 9: Ding a ling

2011-02-09T23:01:00.000-05:00

I am still going strong...and this has been fun so far. I have to say that I can already go through a day without craving soda and my stomach looks tighter (though it could be a mad mad hope).

Day 9: A picture you took

I love to hike and there are some great hiking trails around the Logan Canyon but I always forget my camera! A group of friends and I decided to go hiking and I happened to bring my phone with me so I was able to take this picture. I think for a phone picture it looks pretty good. LOVE IT! Isn't God's creation beautiful?

Day 8: It's a cruel cruel world

2011-02-08T23:51:00.000-05:00

Today has not been a good day for goals....but I am getting a "free" pass, given to me by me, because I have not felt well at all so I had a 7-*p and because I have been sick didn't and won't do my crunches.

But here is Day 8.

A picture that makes me angry or sad.

Free speech is a great thing. And I think we would all agree that we enjoy the free speech afforded us in America. Many people burn the American flag as a way to exercise their free speech and I understand that but it still angers me at the lack of respect people have for the flag.

Day 7: Believe

2011-02-07T23:59:00.001-05:00

Day 7 and I am still going strong. I like this new, trying to improve myself, disciplined Jen.

Day 7 is a picture that makes your heart melt. Most people will think of puppy dogs or little babies but this picture says so much and I want to cry looking at it.

It is a picture of my grandparents, Pampa and Grandma, two of the most important people in my life, so quietly surrounded by beauty while being the essence of beauty themselves. It was their anniversary. And all they needed was each other and a sunset.

Day 6: Huzzah

2011-02-07T00:18:00.000-05:00

Today I have done everything that needed to be done to reach my goals....still no soda and I have made my way through 1/2 my crunches.

Day 6: 20 favorite things

1. Creamer swirling around in coffee.
2. A good book
3. Pillows
4. 6 inch black stiletto pumps *which I wear often*
5. Reading that perfect Bible verse to help with a difficult situation.
6. The smells and colors of fall
7. A random text or tweet from a friend
8. Homemade blacked corn salsa
9. A off the cuff recipe turning out just right
10. Puppies
11. Mani/pedi
12. Watching lightening
13. Road trips
14. Dressing up for a plane trip
15. Pandora giving me the right song to sing to while getting ready for work
16. Random emails from my parents
17. Making someone (anyone) smile
18. Sleeping in
19. Hiking up the canyon to see the sun rise or set
20. Laughing until there are tears

Day 5: I forgot the gas cap.

2011-02-05T23:21:00.001-05:00

Still going strong.

Day has been so lazy and this post might seem lazy as well and it might be but I think that it doesn't need much added to it.

My favorite quote....because this is how I try to live my life though I fail miserably...but that is the beauty of the quote.

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt
"Citizenship in a Republic,"
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

Day 4: All it takes is a little work

2011-02-04T23:36:00.000-05:00

I am doing well....tired on a Friday night after a long week and a seemingly equally long day but I have succeeded for yet another day in all things that mattered.

Day 4: Your favorite book

This was not a difficult one for me. I know so many of my friends would agree that our favorite book is of course the Bible. But I wanted to stray a little away (like normal) and answer this question...what is your favorite fiction book?

My favorite book is 'Tale of Two Cities.'

I was first introduced to the writing of Charles Dickens when I was in high school and read or tried to read 'Bleak House'. I wasn't overly impressed at that time but then I was re-introduced to him in a college English literature class. I fell in love!

We had to do a project on a book and 'Tale of Two Cities' was one of the books we read. I loved this book.

There is so much foreshadowing in the book. Colors mean something. A small look has a future tale. A woman sitting and knitting at the bar of a wine shop becomes the foundation of the hate and redemption that is found at the end.

I have read this book about 14 times...I have my worn copy from when I was in college. It has markings in the margins, underlined words to emphasize something yet to come, and different highlighted sections to indicate shifts in plot or changes in character. It is like an old friend that is familiar.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

Day 3: No such thing as free money

2011-02-04T01:32:00.000-05:00

3 days into the challenge and I haven’t started to wane. I really didn’t want to do crunches and right around 3:30 p.m. this afternoon when I had changed desks for the 4th time I really really really really really wanted a Wild Cherry Name Brand soda….but I didn’t give in! I was a little fearful that I wouldn’t make my post for the day but I here I am…right before midnight MST.

Day 3: Your Favorite Teacher

This was a little bit hard for me because my mom taught me when I was home schooled for 5th through 9th grade. I automatically should think of her as my favorite teacher but she is one of my favorite people in the world but not my favorite teacher. (Love you Mom!)

So who to say?

I remember some of my childhood teachers, Mrs. Bertein, Mrs. Martinez (1st grade), Mrs. Martinez (first part of 5th grade before home schooling) Mr. Kholer (3rd grade), Mrs. Musson (10th-12th) and of course my first round of college professors but there is one amongst them all that stands out to me.

Mrs. Reinhart.

Mother, teacher, singer, ministry leader.

She did so much and yet, seemed to make an impact on my life that I still remember today…not so far removed.

Mrs. Reinhart’s was my speech teacher. I didn’t know what to do after coming back to school my sophomore year of college. I knew I didn’t want to follow the missions program and really felt since I had come from a line of teachers that teaching would be a good profession. Even though I misplace commas and have run-on sentences I love English, especially Literature, and after taking a semester of Mrs. Reinhart’s Freshman speech I was hooked. I loved to listen to her talk about speaking and speech.

If you told me that I could use only one word to describe her I would use the one word that immediately pops into my head……passion.

To hear Mrs. Reinhart speak about almost anything was to hear her passion…for her ministries, for her children, for singing, for the act of speaking. She was and still is a strong woman that taught me how to have a fever for all things good in my life. I only wish I could have been as half as good with my students as she was with me.

She forever will remain the teacher that was and is a favorite of mine. I think of her often, especially when I hear someone say the word, like, a lot in a sentence. She would say something to the affect of, “We have so many words to use, why fill our sentences with empty ones?”

So thanks to Mrs. Reinhart because the idealistic passion to reach out and show the world what she could be is helping me today.

Day 2: What is a doodle dandy?

2011-02-02T23:16:00.000-05:00

Yeah! No soda for me again...booyah and I am doing day 2 of the challenge! And still have yet to do my 100 crunches for the day but after doing them yesterday right before bed I was wore out and fell right to sleep so I am hoping it does the same tonight.

So what is your definition of success?

I could break out the dictionary and tell you what Webster defines it but that isn't the question.

What is your definition of success?

Different people have different responses. One person might respond that earning their master's degree in a field of study is success. Some might say that earning a lot of money is their definition. Others might argue that owning their own home is. Yet others would say the successful birth and raising of their child. And to all these I say, correct.

This is my definition of success. Anything in your life can define success to you. To a baby taking that first wobbly sideways half hunched up knee slide crawl is success. To a toddler it might be holding their spoon and getting MOST of the food in their mouth. To a 5 year old it might be getting all the ABC's said in the correct order. A 9 year old could say that riding their bike is a success while a 15 year old might say getting a driver's permit is. Many 18 year olds wouldn't hesitate to say that graduation was their success and any college graduate would probably say the same.

To each person success is different and I have no right to look down on others because their definition is different than mine. I have not failed at life and I have had many successes though they might vary from what yours are.

I think (this might go beyond the question but oh well it's my blog and I can do what I want) that there are different levels of success as well.

Here is an example: One of my friends and fellow bloggers has been blogging and tweeting about her adventures with sewing aprons and pillow shams. Her first success was making a simple but very cute pillow if I remember correctly. That was a success to her but then yes pushed herself further and made an apron and she was successful at that. She will probably push herself beyond that an make a fabulous skirt or a coat...who knows? But her next level of success will her definition.

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” Author Unknown

Day 1: You might not agree

2011-02-01T23:52:00.000-05:00

I have yet to do my 100 crunches but I succeeded in not having any soda today and I am posting 30 post challenge Day 1.

I really had to think of what my biggest accomplishment to date is. I tend not to think of things I have done in my life as accomplishments because I can always do better, which is odd because what you will see as my accomplishment could or can be done better.

I graduated college but it wasn't my greatest accomplishment because I could have done it with more dignity and a higher GPA then I did.

I passed algebra which could have been my biggest accomplishment because I have never nor never will understand how letters equal numbers. My college algebra teacher was a very non emotional woman who was very scientific and it all made perfect sense to her. I shocked her when I barely passed the class with a "C" and I hugged her!

I moved across the country by myself. Many people think that this was a huge deal and it was pretty big but other people have done it before. So I was kind of meh about the whole thing.

But this is probably my biggest accomplishment to date...because BELIEVE me....I have greater things ahead for myself.....

I....became.....my....own....person.

I have made my mistakes along the way. I have forgotten that God is ultimately in control and I am not. I have learned ALOT. I have cried. I have laughed. I have changed my views on religion, on science, on politics, on foreign affairs, on my favorite author or book, on art, on education, on music, on movies, on TV, and on friends.

I asked people's opinions and weighed them heavily before making my decisions, some right, some wrong. I walked away from God and ran back. I have faced regret, guilt, shame and lived to tell the tale. My heart has hurt and healed. I have never loved and lost because I haven't found what love is. I have sought out comfort and shoved it away at the same time.

All this makes me stronger. I wouldn't say it makes me better than anyone else because I am probably the fool for not taking the easier way but I took the road less traveled and can only hope that I continue to do so.

So you might not agree...but what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours and we are better for having it that way.

Silly Rabbit.

2011-01-31T23:47:00.000-05:00

This is has been a whirlwind emotional past two weeks!

I was successful in doing 1, yes, that was 1 week of college! I was still not termed as an instate student, some due to my lack of planning and some due to what it takes for USU to determine you an instate student. I figured I would go ahead and take classes and just deal with being an out of state student (again) but then because of balance left owing on my account because my financial aid didn't apply to my account I was purged from my classes and was not able to get back into them. So I had to make a very last minute choice...try to get into other classes and be behind and possibly not make the next purge date or stay out of school for another semester and re-evaluate my life. So I decided on the re-evaluation of my life. When things like this happen I wonder how I even made it out of high school let alone through college, living on my own for all these years, and surviving a cross country move to this place! *shakes head* All I can say is that I learn from my mistakes fairly easily and this won't happen again but there were a LOT..no, a TON of tears!

As far as some more personal things forgiveness is a wonderful thing isn't it? I hadn't slandered anyone's name or really hurt them but during this re-evaluation I really began to pray about talking to a certain person and asking their forgiveness. Last Saturday I sat in front of said person and asked for his forgiveness for not being fully honest with him. I was honest with other people, including you, my few followers, but I wasn't honest to him. So I asked if he would forgive me. I explained where I was coming from and what had lead up to this point and that I had made some decisions that had hurt me and I was willing to admit to those i.e. working so much during church times and not making it a focus to be at church and he forgave me. He simply said "I forgive you." and that was it. So simple yet so profound! I wish more people could be like that, myself included. I feel so much better! Praise the Lord, the Master forgiver.

I feel like I am re-discovering some things which a bad attitude had made me forget. Sunday I went to church and the Pastor talked about having a "know-so salvation vs. a think so salvation". I am so thankful to have a "know so" salvation. I don't have to guess if I am going to heaven, I don't have to be baptized and do good works because those are products of salvation not the definition of it. The singing almost brought me to tears! I felt every word resonate in my heart. I wasn't there to say I went...for even though I have gone to Faith or another church in the valley when the weather is bad and I can't drive through the canyon I still was just "going" but yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I went because I wanted to worship. If I was a charismatic I would have run up and down the aisles and raised my hands and shouted HALLELUJAH because that is exactly how I felt! Amazing!

Ok, I don't know why I felt I needed to tell you that other than for the last couple posts I have been a little downtrodden but tonight?! Hot diggity! I feel good!

Coming up next:
Feb 1: I start 3, yes, 3 different challenges. One of my New Year's goals was to work on my character because I lack self discipline so I have decided to do 3 things during this month.

1- NO SODA! Nada, zilch, zip! Which is going to hurt because nothing makes my afternoon better than a nice cold Wild Cherry (name brand) soda. But water hopefully will become that much more refreshing and a pick me up.
2-100 crunches a day! I figure 50 in the morning and 50 at night will be good. I know that going to the gym will help as well but I can't quite commit to that as of right now because my shoes are shot and I really want to buy a good pair of gym shoes. My old ones still work but I can't overdo it because my knees feel it. But crunches don't require shoes so there we go!
3-30 day blog challenge. I listed my 30 topics earlier this month so tomorrow is Day 1, my biggest accomplishment.

So there you have it! Sarcastically perky Jen is back!

Ma! The cows are out again.

2011-01-26T02:28:00.001-05:00

I am so excited about some life changes that I am making in the near future. I am not sure exactly when they will be taking place but I am excited about them! They are big changes but thankfully the people that I have spoken to about them have been more than supportive about them. It won't be an easy change because there are some things that I have to do before I can take that step that I want to take but once again, I have some amazing people behind me that support me. I wish I didn't have to be so shaded and could just tell you but there are many mountains to cross (i.e. difficulties) before that can happen. Any prayers are appreciated.

As far as right now is concerned I can tell you this much I have determined to lose 60 pounds by my 30th birthday. I figured that I am going to make my 30's better than my 20's and might as well finally shrug off some of what causes me a lot of confidence issues. So far I have lost 16 pounds! Now I did start this goal on my 29th birthday so it wasn't a beginning of the year thing.

As far as the end of January is concerned nothing much is happening but I am excited about February...except that I have determined to give up soda for a month so coffee will now be taken in even larger quantities!

And as far as February is concerned I am also doing this which I got from my friend Sara...the only problem is that I have to figure out how to get pictures to post. For some reason my choice of internet browser and Blogger don't like each other. And yes, I know that there aren't 30 days in February but it isn't a month thing...it is more just a 30 day thing.

Day 1 - your biggest accomplishment
Day 2 - your definition of success
Day 3 - Your favorite teacher
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of my favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes your heart melt
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your role model
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where I live- in detail, what makes it special?
Day 25 - guilty pleasure
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - my worst habit
Day 28 - whats in my handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - car you drive ( and past cars too!)

I used the word concerned a lot....maybe my new challenge should be to find more varied words!

Talking of wings and things.

2011-01-05T20:39:00.001-05:00

I know I have been M.I.A.

I have had a couple personal things going on lately that just seem to deepen my thought that I need to move back to Maryland. I thought I was one of those people that could fit anywhere. I am finding that I was wrong.

I haven't been going to a local church consistently since August, which is in part because of being busy but I was basically told, after visiting Maryland and pining for that old life, that I should just move back there since I was not giving the church in Utah a chance. You might be a better person than I but it really doesn't make me what to keep going to that church so I filled my days and nights with work. When I didn't work I would go to church but it wasn't as often as I know I need to be going. The good thing is that I have found a church that I do feel welcome in and have started going there, weather and working permitting because it is a 45 minute drive. It has been a rough transition. I don't/didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I had to make a decision that would be better than what I was doing.

I have determined to try to stop meeting people expectations of me and work more on meeting God's expectation of me. That sounds simple until you have to see people face to face and see their judgement of you in person. It hurts but I thankfully have people that I can rely on...here's the shout out....Rebecca and Ian, Rebecca G, Rebekah S, Gina S, and my sister.

I have some wonderful people in my life and sadly I have lost some people as well. I don't regret for a second that I am not married. I have had my chance and one of these days it will happen but for right now I am content but I have to say this because it is true. Being single is hard at times when it comes to being able to talk to others that understand. Think about marriage, you marry your best friend. You get to go home to them everyday and sit and talk with them. You might have your disagreements once in a while but you still get to see them and talk to them all the time. When you are single you don't get that. You work, you come home, you blog, knit, watch T.V., or read. You have to plan to see your best friend because you aren't (in most cases) coming home to them.

Can I encourage if you are married to take some single people under your wing? Just because I am independent doesn't mean I don't get lonely. I do.

The other thing I want you encourage you to do is to examine yourself and make sure that you are a good friend. Are you the type of person that reaches out to others or do you expect them to reach out to you all the time? I haven't always been the best friend possible because I can't always do things that require time and finances but I always have an open ear. All it takes is a text or, even though talking on the phone isn't my favorite, a call and I will listen. In Maryland my friends Melissa, Robyn, and Mariko would stay up for hours and talk. They were all married with kids and jobs but they were the biggest encouragement to this single gal. All I could do is return an open heart and ear when they needed it...and a kid free apartment once in a while to hang out in. I love surprising them with texts or Facebook messages or emails. On Robyn's desk calender each month there was a personal written message from me written in her notes spot. She has told me that she loves knowing that I wrote encouraging thoughts throughout the months for her. I text Mariko a couple times a month just to say hi and that I am thinking about her. I need to be more active on Twitter with my friend Rebecca and stopping in to say hi. Gina and I don't go very long without getting together and having ice cream at Charlies or just having a short phone conversation. It is little things like that, not just the dinners out or in, or coffee. Don't get me wrong, those are fun but I love to know when people are thinking about me and just texting, twittering, facebooking, or emailing just to say hi.

Friendship is a two way street and sadly, I believe I have a lost a friend lately because I didn't meet her standards of what made me valuable to her. So please please please examine how you handle your friendships. The good thing in losing this friend is that I have gained a re-newed desire to be a better friend.

So keep me in your prayers...I have a long way to go before I am totally wanting to be in church every time the doors are open but I am heading in that direction so it's a start.

~Jen~

Toes in the sand.

2011-01-04T17:23:00.000-05:00

I have so much I want to write about but I am sitting at the library computer because my computer is out of comission watching the timer tick by to tell me I only have 34 minutes left and I have so much more to do!

I hope that I can kind of pour out my heart to you all soon. I have some 'splain to do!

Hope you had a wonderful New Year's Day and have awesome New Year!

Fidget and Toss

2010-12-28T01:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

Please excuse the absence of one, eyesofadifferentcolor. Since the last post and a declaration that the blogger would catch you up on her life she suddenly had a bout of idontwannawriteanything fever.

The doctor advised that she take a while and re-think why she wanted to write and about what she wanted to write and take it easy. This fever was brought on by a spiritual crises, a workaholic lifestyle, and a general attitude of wanting to be everywhere in the world other than sitting at her desk and writing.

The doctor's remedy has worked and she is ready to come back...but just warning you, it is a slow recovery so don't expect too much right now.

Please excuse any absences and/or tardies.

Lacking attendance.

2010-11-16T01:27:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone,

I had said that I was going to blog about other people that have affected my life in a good way but as you have noticed I haven't been doing anything!

So this is the deal...I am still going to blog about others but I am going to start blogging about me and what I am up to right now.

Some interesting tales to be told as of late so expect some blogs soon!

Totally updated the background of the fall! love it

Happy Birthday Mom.

2010-10-08T03:07:00.000-04:00

I said that I was going to do posts about people that make a difference in my life and because of being really busy I haven't been able to blog but today October 8th is my mom's birthday so post about others #1 is about my best friend.

There were times that I just didn't understand my mom. She was annoying, telling me what to wear, how to sit, how to act in public, how to do my hair, how to do my makeup, what to read, what to listen to, how to study, how to clean. She seemingly was always giving me advice that I never thought I would use.

But somewhere along the way that changed.

I would be sitting in front of my students when I taught, and hear the knowing voice of my mother and would tuck one ankle behind my other one, knees together, like a proper lady.

I will look at myself in the mirror and evaluate what I am wearing before I go anywhere. My sister and I always had hair brushed, teeth brushed, clean clothes on before we would leave the house for anything. Even going to the grocery store would require a change in clothing because we were representing the family and that family never was supposed to look like unkempt animals.

I am still a little heavy handed with my makeup sometimes but I remember the voice of my mother telling me to clean off some of the eye makeup because I looked like a "clown" or a "raccoon". I still keep that in mind when I do my makeup.

There are things about my mother that make me adore her and hope and pray that I can be half the person that she is.

She and I share a lot of the same traits. I have a wander lust in me. I don't like to stay settled. My mom wasn't married until she was 27 and I still haven't found the man that can make me want to settle down.

We share the same eyes, blue as the sky when we are happy and a cloudy blueish grey when sad or lonely, and electric blue when teary or angered.

I have always wanted my mom's ankles, fine and delicate, whereas mine sometimes, seemingly, are non-existent. I also wanted her hands. Her hands are always soft, smaller than mine, with longer, tapered fingers. Mine are large and stout and have been referred to by a farmer as the hands of a German milkmaid. *sigh*

I love to hear my mom laugh but I cherish those moments where her faith is so stronger when my faith is so weak. Praying together in tears when my world was rocked with news of possible bone cancer, quoting scripture to me when my safe little haven was seemingly crumbling around me, encouraging me to pray when I didn't think God would ever listen to me, and continually supporting me and praying for me as I seek my life's direction. Those mornings when I would wake up and she would be sitting in the recliner, drinking coffee, and reading her Bible made me feel safe and loved because I knew she was trying to set an example. Telling me that she loved me and would pray for me instead of retaliation against the harsh words I spoke to her out of my anger.

She would spend hours teaching me how to knead bread, baste a turkey, or make pie crust. I always was in amazement that she could have everything on the dinner table at the same time. And of course, the table was always set correctly: napkin on the left with fork on top, knife (sharp side in) closest to the plate on the right side with the spoon on the outer right.

Amazing all these "annoying" things she taught me that I still think of and use today.

So here is a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my mom, my best friend, my confidante, my rock, my anchor, my heart.

I love you.

I will be on top of the mountain looking down to the valley.

2010-09-03T20:42:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine from college, who is also a blogger and (thankfully) a twitter-er, tweeted me the other day and said she was out of idea's for blogging. Strangely I have had the same issue. I, (horrible word, that single vowel) was looking around my (horrible adjectively pronoun) blog and saw that the following words are used a lot:

I
my
mine
me

But blogs are supposed to be about MY life, what I am doing, what is MINE, about ME...right?

This is the problem...I don't have many close personal tell. every. little. detail. of. my. life to kind of friends. Don't get me wrong though I have many friends but I tend to not let them know every little nuance of my life. Maybe I should write a "secret" blog that I can say everything on and it really be about "me" and I don't feel bad about saying, I, my, mine, me too much.

With that being said, above mentioned blogger, twitter-er, friend asked me for some blog ideas and I gave her the idea of highlighting people in her life that have made a difference in her life.

So this is what is going to happen: "I" am going to write on "my" blog about people that have made a difference to "me" and changed this life that is called "mine".

Deciding to not decide.

2010-09-01T02:06:00.001-04:00

I stood at Gate C 14 at the Baltimore Washington International Airport with my purse, my computer bag, a shopping bag, my ticket, and my cell phone. I had my ticket in one hand and my cell phone in the other. My row had already been called to board the plane.

This is what the last week had been like for me: (Via FB statuses)

August 9:
And we are finally on the road.
We are in the middle of Wyoming and going strong. Looking for some dinner.
Part 1 of the trip is done.

August 10:
Part 2 of the trip is underway with a shot of coffee, no chaser. Buble on the radio and feet on the dashboard.
Wow....i am ready for a nap. Time for liz to drive.
Part 2 is done...resting up in Chesterton...then headed to the great ole Maryland tomorrow!

August 11:
Part 3 is taking place right now! See you tonight Maryland!
I broke tradition and didn't get candy sticks at Cracker Barrel and I am regretting that decision. I can't wait to get to Maryland.
Oh sweet Maryland.....I am back!

August 12:
I am thinking that humidity is good for my soul.
Ok, all you Utah folks...Maryland is telling me to stay.

August 13:
Chick-fil-a and caribou coffee with my besties....this is perfect!

August 14:
Mani/pedi at my favorite spot with an iced coffee by my side. Just a little bit of heaven.
Still had game night....just with a different crowd.

August 15:
Bonefish Grill with friends for lunch and now Applebees for dinner with church friends. I might not get on the plane on Tuesday.

August 16:
I have 3 jobs waiting for me, friends and family that miss me, and a church that inspires me. Why is this decision so hard?

August 17:
Headed back to utah today. :(
Ok. Headed back to reality....we will see what happens away from what I think is perfect.

And that is why I stood at my gate trying to make a decision. I could have stayed and been taken care of there and figured out how to get all the rest of my stuff to Maryland. But I got on the plane.

I came back and believe me I got an icy shoulder when I came back. A lot of people were understanding of why I would want to go back to some where that I lived on my own for almost 6 years. They understood that I am away from everything familiar and close and that I would obviously miss it. There were a few that didn't understand because life for them is made up with decisions made by others. I stopped letting my life be chosen that way. I made the decision to move and the more I talk to other people that are praying for me, which I need, the more I realize how hard it is to make decisions on your own.

I haven't made a decision yet. I won't make a decision for a while because I really need to know what the right decision is. I told one person that when I moved out to Utah I might have taken "signs" as "will" and moved when I shouldn't have. But I know that I can't make the same mistake but this time is harder because I know what is at the other end of things. I know what it can be back there but I also know what is here, the good things here, the right things here.

I wish I could just ask someone to make the decision for me or for someone to just tell me what to do but I am a big girl and I have to make this decision. So for right now I am going to just continue to work and play and live this course of life. But next week, next month, next year I might make a decision but for this minute my decision is not to make a decision.

It is like picking the green jelly beans out of the bag.

2010-08-04T01:12:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting conversation with someone the other day about my "non-boyfriends".

I am such a social person and will be the first person to admit that I have more guy friends then girl friends. It has always been that way. Partly because even though I am feminine I am not overly girly and partly because I can only carry on a conversation so long about clothes before I get really bored and want the conversation to change to politics.

About a month ago I had 2 tickets to see a show at a late showing. I bought the tickets in advance because there was a possibility of it selling out and a friend had promised that she was going to go with me. I was so excited to go but about an hour and a half before the show started she wasn't able to go. I was desperate. I didn't want to try to sell the ticket so I called and texted everyone I could think of that could go with me. It wasn't until I actually reached someone who happened to be at work that he was able to put me in contact with another co-worker who had wanted to see the same showing. This co-worker and I, of whom I had only interacted with a couple of times with at work, went and really enjoyed ourselves. Hence, "non-boyfriend" number one

I am not sure if it was out of kindness but right after my last relationship ended one of the guys that is now being termed as a "non-boyfriend" mentioned that if I needed someone to hang out with he was willing. So one night we did hang out. He paid for his and I paid for mine. It was not a date. The guy that I was talking to about this "non-date" said that the only reason "non-boyfriend" went was because he likes me. Hence, "non-boyfriend" number two.

So I now have no "real" boyfriends, which is fine and two "non-boyfriends". And I am loving it! I have two more people that are friends that I can hang out with outside of work and have more fun with at work. I am not thinking either one will turn into a boyfriend and that is fine with me. I have grown up a lot since high school and I don't need a boyfriend just to have one. Having "non-boyfriends" is great.

I think I can learn a lot from these "non-boyfriend" relationships. I kind of know what sort of guy I am attracted to but have dated a range of guys because confining yourself to a "type" of person, I think, isn't healthy. If you have a problem with dating a certain race then that is fine but don't confine yourself to dating just blonde guys that are 6 foot. Don't confine yourself to just dating the white collar worker. Don't confine yourself to dating someone that is older than you, dating younger isn't really that bad. And don't don't don't confine yourself to only having girl friends and no guy friends because I am telling you, having "non-boyfriends" is awesome!!!

I am not pretending.

2010-08-02T03:14:00.000-04:00

I have something to admit.

I am not a very religious person. I go to church. I sing the old songs. I pray, not as much as I should. I read my Bible, not as much as I should. I talk about God, not as much as I should.

I am however a spiritual person. Some would probably not appreciate my sense of spirituality because I have had greater spiritual moments walking on the crest of a mountain then I have sitting in church.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think our animals die and go to heaven. I don't think that people who just go to church or are just good people will have a place in heaven. I don't think that trees have hearts or spirits.

But I think Christians get so wrapped up in being "Christians' that they forget that church isn't the only place that they can find that "still small voice."

I do believe we need to be in church because it is where we hear things that can re-awaken us.

"God didn't want Issac's blood. He wanted Abraham's heart" Pastor B.J. Nordgren

Don't even think about it.

2010-07-25T17:34:00.000-04:00

I had a very interesting event happen to me last week.

On Monday I went to Salt Lake and sat among friends and old school mates as we celebrated our respective "reunions" and the churches 50th anniversary. It was a huggy, glad to see you, how have you been kind of thing. Most of the people scolded me for not coming down to visit more often which I find funny because they never come up to visit me.

I was wearing just a simple howbeit large silver ring on *gasp* my left ring finger. One of the ladies who had been close to our family when we lived in SLC came up to me, grabbed my hand, and exclaimed, "You got married! I am so happy for you!". When I laughed uneasily, pried my hand away from her hand, and replied that no I was not married she got this crestfallen look. She looked right at me and said, "That's too bad, maybe one of these days." She then turned and walked away.

I was dumbfounded and slightly annoyed. Why oh why do we have the mindset that people that are single are unhappy? I know I have touched on this particular topic before but it is so very very true. I hate hate hate people thinking that I am unhappy just because I haven't met Mr. Wonderful yet.

Why am I less of a person because I am single? Since when did single mean unhappy, bitterly sad, and miserable? Since when did being just one mean being not whole? I am just the opposite. I live a very full and rich life and I am adding to that in the next year or so. I don't have a jaded view of being married don't get me wrong. One of these days I will have that but right now it just isn't for me. I used to date just to have a boyfriend but just recently have been out with two different guys and had more fun because they were "non-dates" then I would have had they have been dates. If something comes of the non-dates then good if not good. That means I just have two more friends to hang out with when I want.

A dating relationship I was in just ended but you know what? When the time is right we are going to be friends. We are still in the middle of this, we went from talking all day every day to not talking at all phase. Once that wariness rolls away I have no doubt in my mind we will be friends. This is the way I look at it I learned some things from him that I really really liked (sharp wit and keen mind) and I can add it to my list of things that I would like Mr. Wonderful to have. But what is great is even though the decision wasn't fully mine I had a wonderful person in my life for almost 5 months that I would hate to lose as a friend just because "we" didn't work out.

I posted these lyrics as couple of months ago but here is the video for it. I still love this song.

So until I find Mr. Wonderful wandering around a grocery store you can bet I won't be hiding in bitter oblivion. I am going to live my life. I am going to love my life. I am going to be single.

Coming in right before second.

2010-07-16T00:03:00.000-04:00

People are funny aren't they?

Here are some observations in no particular order.

There are some people that don't have an idea of personal space. There are times that I like to be hugged and cuddled --- by people I adore or love --- but I hate being petted, held, arms around the shoulder, or my back patted by people I am not close to or that I don't know.

There are people that need to have Stacy or Clinton (What Not To Wear) stationed at their house to make sure that their clothes are not offensive to the mass populous. There is a girl at work that is about 5' 9" and is fairly large. She wears a middle of the thigh yellow strapless sun dress that shows WAY too much skin and too many undergarments. She does wear a very small shrug over it but it isn't enough. So not enough.

There are people that need to realize that personal hygiene really shouldn't be an option in their lives. When I first got on to the specialty team at work I carried a toothbrush and deodorant with me to work. I got teased about it but this is why I did it. I have to speak in very close proximity with people and I constantly have my arms around the back of a chair or over a cubicle. I don't want to offend anyone. But there are people that don't realize that others do have to walk behind them or talk to them face to face. I think I am going to start handing out toothbrushes and deodorant to the people that offend. Maybe they will get the point.

There are people that just need to mind their own business. I don't mind if you inquire but seriously if you are just asking me so that you can gossip to others then don't ask me at all.

I am know that I am "harping" on people. I am sure that I have issues as well. I laugh very loudly. I am loud in general. I have this wicked mean look when I get irritated. That is why I picked on those things that I really don't have a problem with...at least I hope I don't!

Stop the Presses

2010-07-14T19:32:00.000-04:00

Let me clarify something: In my last post I said something about being strong enough to be single but knowing deep down that I want to settle down. It prompted a text from a friend who reads that mentioned something about how she was happy that I was ready to settle down. I had somewhat of the following conversation with her.

I don't want to settle down tomorrow. I just know that sometime I would like to have what some would consider their ultimate desire, to have and to hold for the rest of their lives. Me? Not so much. I want to have that but I don't need it right. this. very. minute. I have a learned a lot being single and have enjoyed getting to "know" who I am.

I have enjoyed dating and getting to know people and usually know fairly quickly if I am in it or not in it. But on date number 1 I am not sizing the poor guy up to see if he is marriage material. I am just not like that. The "L" word and the "M" word don't cross my lips very often in reference to myself and any significant other. It takes time.

I have to know the person. Get to know their quirks and likes and dislikes. On the second date out I am not writing my name with theirs to see if my first name sounds good with their last name. I don't start planning my wedding on the third date. I don't name the kids on the fourth date. I just am not like that.

So yes, I want to settle down one of these days. If Mr. Perfect is sitting next to me tomorrow then so be it but if I have to wait for Mr. Perfect to sit by me in 10 years then so be it.

There you have it. The clarification of what I meant not what I typed.

You took the chance now why don't you just dance?

2010-07-13T00:24:00.000-04:00

10 years. That really isn't THAT long of a time. But think back to ten years ago. What were you doing?

10 years ago I was working in the bakery at a grocery store. I had my best "school/church" friends and I had my best "work" friends. And before I get a lecture I know the only friends I really should have had were my "school/church" friends. But I am personable and call a lot of people friend when I probably should just call them acquaintance.

10 years ago a guy walked into my bakery and changed my life. I was in love! Totally not what I see myself with now. He was about my height, very built, had curly hair, and these amazing brown eyes. We talked a little bit and he left me his pager (!) number. When we finally did talk we talked for hours. I would go to sleep with his pager (!) in my hand and when he got off work he would page me and then I would call him and we would talk until all hours of the morning. Scandalous I know. We went to the amusement park with his family and ran out of fuel on the way home. We would sit at the park and just talk. He came to church and my dad led him to Christ. He became a permanent Sunday afternoon fixture at our house.

A very short time later I had oral surgery and sat on the steps at my house when he proposed to me at a time that I thought no one could love the sight of me. I said yes. I wanted to marry him. We started planning a spring wedding after I did an obligatory year at college.

But then it started to happen. We started fighting over the little things, things that didn't matter. We picked at each other. I was going away to college and didn't want to go without knowing that he would going to church and being faithful to God and me. He didn't want me to go and find someone else. He started working more and staying away from me more. A week before I packed to leave I stood in my driveway and watched him walk away from me for the last time. The summer love was over.

Can that really be 10 years ago? At that time I was so young and foolish! How could I have said yes to a man I didn't really know and tell him that I would marry him.

I look back on 10 years ago and see how much I have done since that time. I finished school, I moved, I taught, I found another direction, I moved again, and I started school again. In that time I watched two of my best friends get married. I found out that I am strong enough to be single but that buried down in the depths I have a desire that I try to hide to be settled. That has all happened in 10 years. I have grown up. I have found myself.

I can't help but imagine and dream what the next 10 years will hold for me. I could travel. I could live in a different country for a semester. I can finish a degree and start a business. I could move again. I could fall in love with someone that I have fallen in like with. I could buy a house. I could get a dog. I could do anything!

The jig is up.

2010-07-09T00:28:00.000-04:00

I hate when I have so many thoughts swirling around that my first ten sentences of a new post get erased or hidden away for possibly a new post.

Part of my issue is that I don't want to be too candid because some will know what I am referencing while I want to spill out everything so they will know exactly what I am referencing.

We will just have to see how things go. I want things to end up differently than they are right now but I am not sure how things are going to work as a whole. I am sloppy when it comes to expressing my feelings in a spoken form. I have mentally said in my head and aloud to myself what needs to be said 50 times. Now I just need to say them. Actually and truly say them aloud and hope that everything goes for the best.

But this is my promise to you my readers, whatever the outcome, I will go on and I will survive because that I who I am and that is what I do. My second promise is that the next post I do won't be so vague with somewhat emotional undertones.

Is there an exercise for this?

2010-07-05T02:16:00.000-04:00

When it comes to the term, "flight or fight" I usually am the fight. I don't back down and I keep taking the hits as they come. I have always said that God blesses me back into His service and will because I am too stubborn to realize that the "hits" are God trying to get my attention.

But there are times that I want to take flight. I don't want to stay and pretend that everything is ok. There are times that I want to just leave to whence I came from and be safe. Because that is what it is, it is safe. I want to forget that somethings have happened and I want to move on to bigger and better. It is hard to keep smiling and pretending that life is peaches and cream when the peaches are mealy and the cream is sour.

Yet, I can't leave. I came here for a purpose and I will stick and fight it out.

I probably shouldn't write and give life to these feelings I have kept locked away from all but one or two knowing individuals. I should keep on harboring them. I should just smile and pretend because that is what everyone else seems to be doing. That is what I should do. Just smile and pretend.

Flight is easy. It's the coward's way out. The way that people go when they just don't want to fight anymore. It is something I have done once or twice but I won't do again. I can't live with the regret hanging over me because of flight.

That leaves me with the option of fight. I will continue on because this is what I have chosen. I don't need someone to dictate how I am going to feel and what my next action with be.

Oh I shed a couple tears a couple of days ago but that is all that anyone will get from me. I felt sorry for myself because I wasn't being looked after like I thought I should be. But now? My old self, my independent self, has come back.

I was pinned down for a moment because I let myself believe that my happiness could lie in the happiness of another. HA! My happiness lies in my actions towards making the truly deserving happy and my determination to be better. It is not nor will it be dictated by the self serving actions and blind stupidity of another.

Jen is back! And the awakening hasn't ever been better!

It is a study of the unimaginable.

2010-06-30T02:52:00.000-04:00

*Warning: This is the result of a sleep deprived brain. If you don't agree please let me know and if you do agree please let me know. Just pardon any grammatical and spelling mistakes!

At any normal night at 12:02 am you would probably find me asleep. Not angelically at all because I sleep with a fan on, one leg thrown half way across the bed, and the other one crooked up while one hand rests beneath my chin and the other one up over the pillow that is covering my head to block out the slight tick that my fan makes as it blows delicious cold air over me. You usually don't find me writing which for some reason I am doing this AM because I can't sleep. I don't know if it was the guilty pleasure of a half diet coke and half regular coke mix I had with my sandwich after a workout at the gym or if it is ever streaming ticker tape of thoughts scrolling across my sleepy brain. Whatever it is-I can't sleep and thought I would update my blog.

I have no real words of wisdom to impart. I don't have any crafts or recipes to share with you. I am not going to give you my gym statistics or the number of calories I have consumed today. I probably actually am going to write a complete and utterly useless blog post.

Small update @ 12:09: I just yawned but feel no more sleepy than when I rolled out of the above sleeping position and opened my laptop.

If you are a regular reader, which is almost impossible to be because I am not a regular writer, you will know that I have posted a few items about Facebook on here. I am still having this inner struggle with Facebook. 1) I waste too much time being nosy into the lives of people that I can't decide if I should hide or delete, 2) I spend more time being annoyed at the constant flow of the same person's status updates over and over again than I do actually enjoying my "real" friends statues updates, and 3) I get too upset over the overly emotional status, the "song lyric" aimed at you status, the what I had for dinner status, the up to the minute status. Don't get me wrong, I am not the perfect status writer! In fact I will share and explain some of my recent status updates to you then continue on to why I am having an inner struggle with Facebook.

Status 1: "Sometimes a single moment makes you step back and re-evaluate. That moment has happened and it doesn't look good." This one was posted after an unequally frustrating evening when I was trying to express myself as a human and ultimately as a woman and neither one worked for me. I hate when I feel too emotionally involved in something or someone and when I try to express that it doesn't come out right, hence the status. Responses: 17

Status 2: "I am feeling needy....and I hate that feeling." Ah! My emotional status without saying I love, hate, abhor, or adore you. There are times that I, as a fairly strong, independent person, just want to lean on someone else and make them the pillar and the strength that I couldn't seem to posses at that moment. Just fyi, I got over that, quickly. Responses: 8

Status 3: "After 4 hours of restless sleep I am trying to motivate myself to seize the day." Yeah, restless sleep because I couldn't control something that was happening to someone else and I was concerned about it. But I did get up and I seized the day. I went to the gym, rocked it out at work, and ended up sleeping like a baby that night. Responses: 0

Status 4: "The coconut air fresheners in my car REALLY REALLY make me want to be sitting on a beach with a coconut infused drink watching the sun set over the ocean." This has a hidden meaning. I would rather be anywhere really than in Logan, Utah right now. I just need a change from the mundane ordinary but I have to say those air fresheners really make a girl want to sit on a beach. I might have to go sit in my car with a coconut and banana smoothie and pretend. Responses: 7

Yes, I know what you are thinking, that I am SHALLOW! Yes, yes I am because all those are about me. Isn't that what Facebook is about really? It isn't to truly just connect with others. It is to show off your life to others. I posted pictures of my vacation two years ago because I wanted others to know what I had done. I posted pictures from a birthday party because I wanted people to know that I don't just sit and write weird status updates and blog at 12:33 in the morning. I want you to know that I am feeling needy. I want you to know that it was just a moment of weakness and I really am not feeling that needy. I want you to know that I like coconut and I want to be sitting on a beach. But I am not sure how I feel about knowing that you feel needy or that you are having problems or that you had the most delightful pizza tonight for dinner. And that makes me what? Say it with me please. It makes me s-e-l-f-i-s-h!

Therein lies the problem. I could choose to not put any status updates on Facebook and open my news feed to knowing every time you gain another level in Mafia Wars, or plant another crop in Farmville. I could un-hide some people and look at their status updates that are random facts about how long a squirrels tail is. I could open myself to openly taking in all this useless information that means nothing to me nor does it increase the bond of friendship. BUT I want you to know about my life, I don't want to be hid in your news feed, I want you to comment though I probably don't comment on your wall or status because I don't want 100 emails letting me know that people I don't know "liked" or "commented" on the same status. Shame on me. I should want that right? I should desire to have that friendship with you in such a way that your friends become my friends by default. But that isn't how I nor 99% of the world operates. We, the Facebook world, are friending others for one purpose so that our new Facebook friend can become actively engaged in our life while we stay out of theirs.

You may not agree. You may be able to sit in your glass palace and say, Oh, no Jen, you have it all wrong. I have friended 200, 400, 800, or 1,000 people because I want to stay informed in their lives! And that is ok, for you to say that because you are your own person and you don't answer to me. But carefully think about all your "Facebook" friends and examine how much you really know about them and how much you really stay in touch with them.

To be honest, I do "poke" around people's pages and see how they are doing and once in a while I will message them or write on their wall. I like seeing what other people are saying to them or what they have been doing. But every time I log in my eye doesn't first go to what is on my news feed but it looks for that little red flag letting me know who has commented on my page. Because Facebook is truly about me.

Hot bed of Controversy: Part 2

2010-05-23T22:29:00.002-04:00

Here is a quick recap of the previous HBOC:1. The immigration law in Arizona will lead to racial profiling, plain and simple. Read the previous post to find out why I believe that.

This might be less of a point and more of a thought but I believe it is still valid.

Some of the people that we might term illegal are actually here on a government sponsored program.

When I worked for a landscaping company in Maryland I worked with some really great people. We had a "class" system for work, which most offices/companies have if you look at their structure. We had The field crews, who reported to the field managers, who reported to the managers, who reported to the owner/boss of the company.

All of the field managers and all of the field workers were of Latin descent. So many times I would get a call about those "&#$%! #$$*@ Mexicans" that were making too much noise. But the funny thing was that only one man on our crew could be termed as Mexican and he in fact was born in the United States to parents who had come to this country legally! All the other men were from Ecuador and would have to be termed as South American. But guess what? Those men, all of them, were here on a government sponsored program and paid taxes, had medical insurance, paid rent, and lived peaceable lives. Many of them left their families for 8 months to come to the States to get money to send back to their families to help enrich their lives.

Could you tell the difference between those that were here on the "H2B" government program or the illegals? My guess is probably not. Where this is going is this idea: When will checking for legal status end? Will the blonde blue eyed Americans be stopped ans asked for papers because they look European? Will people of Asian descent that are 1st generation American be asked for their proof of residency? I don't think that we are grasping how this will possibly affect our future freedoms. All some of us are doing is looking at the issue and saying, Yes! Get rid of those illegals but we are not stopping to think about how our basic freedoms will be treaded upon in the future.

I still believe that there is a problem which needs to be dealt with but this "fix" isn't going to help in my opinion. It is going to continue to beat down the already battered door of our freedom.

I am just trying to get you to think.

Hot bed of Controversy: Part 1

2010-05-20T08:38:00.000-04:00

Usually in the mornings I have been getting up and going to the gym not writing about political issues that are so controversial right now. So if this doesn't make sense it is because I am writing it early in the morning, I do have a headache, and I am mind numbingly tired.

The Arizona Immigration Law that was signed into affect a few weeks ago has caused quite an outrage. Facebook groups have been popping up in support of the bill, which I have received and denied. Other groups have been started against the State of California for their involvement in placing a ban on travel to Arizona. (I love how Arizona responded by telling Los Angeles that they would cut power to the city if they did enforce the ban. Nice!)

This is my view. If it is right and you agree good. If it is wrong and you don't agree good because it is still a free country and I have the right to write what I want, for the time being.

I don't know what to think about the bill. I believe we do have that problem with illegals coming into this country and yes, I do believe that something needs to be done. But I don't care for how this is being done. My biggest problem with the bill is that leads to racial profiling and that just doesn't set well with me for two sure reasons with the possibility of a third reason.

1. This first one is a for instance reason. The reason in which my mind (eek!) thinks out a scenario and imagines the what if question that stands out to me. Right after the events of September 11th happened there was a huge push to not racially profile men and women of the Arabic Muslim decent during routine airline security checks. A few years later I was teaching at a very racially diverse school and there were a few children in the school from India. Now if you ask me the difference between the Arabian people and the Indian people I could tell you a few cultural differences but I could not probably, as most people, point out, based on looks alone who were Arabian and who were Indian unless they were dressed in their region specific clothing. But that would fall under cultural not genetic looks. Maybe it is just me and I don't want to offend in any way because I know they are vastly different in culture and religion but just as most African descents and Asian descents to the average mostly un-culturally diverse American..they look the same. So can you really tell the difference between someone from Mexico versus someone from Ecuador, Honduras, Spain, or Peru if they aren't dressed in culturally specific garb? This idea of racial profiling based on what a person looks like is vastly disturbing to me. The "for instance" is this...what if for instance other states begin adopting this bill from Arizona and a couple from Spain come to America on holiday. They are walking around the city, not speaking English, and because they are dressed in summer shorts and flip flops and speaking Spanish a police officer stops them and asks for their identification. All they have is a bag with cameras, water bottles, and American cash. What if that police officer was biased against anyone that spoke a foreign language and had darker skin than he did? What is the possibility of those tourists, who can't communicate effectively in English,being thrown into jail because they left their travel visa at the hotel? And they would be there because they didn't "look and speak like an American" and it would be based on their color? How backwards as a nation have we become?! Since when did it become ok for us to pick on people just because of their race or manner of speaking? That is what this bill allows! It allows you and I, who most likely are middle class white American's to control others based on their race!!! Isn't that what Hitler did to the Jews? I know we aren't throwing those of Latin descent into camps and killing them in gas chambers but I hope that you see where I am coming from on this issue. We can not call ourselves true American's if we are going to imprison others based on their race.

Just think about this. There are only a few places in this country that you have to currently carry any identification with you. Most of the time I can go to the mall, a play, or to the store without having to fear being stopped and asked for identification. I rarely carry my drivers licence with me anywhere. It is in my car and if I think I need it I will take it somewhere with me but in most cases I don't carry it around with me everywhere. But that is what the law in Arizona is asking the people to do because if you don't look a certain way they have the right to stop you and ask you for identification. I am "lucky" if you want to say that because I have been blessed with blue eyes, fairer skin, and mousy brown hair (when it's is in it's natural state) so I wouldn't have to worry about being stopped. But I have a friend that comes to mind that looks like she is of Latin descent when she in fact is almost full Native American, and could be stopped because of her looks and the fact that she can speak Spanish. Am I just rambling now or do you understand where I am coming from? My friend could be racially profiled and asked to produce documentation based on HER LOOKS ALONE. Does this not irk anyone else?

(I only did one reason for right now because I got so wrapped up in the first reason that I lost track of time and I need to get ready for work so reason 2 is forth coming.)

Straight Talk, whether you like it or not

2010-05-17T08:53:00.000-04:00

I am part of the Facebook nation, world, or universe. I have "liked" a couple things in my day. I have tagged and untagged pictures. I have put up some odd things in my status. I have friended and un-friended people. I have accepted gifts and given gifts. I have asked people to be part of groups but after consideration of why I was sending it.

I have no problem with letting people know what my beliefs are but I don't force them on other people if they don't want to listen. I will talk to you about religion but don't think you will sway me because I have a preacher daddy and am pretty grounded in my base beliefs. I have never been known to back down from a political conversation. If we don't agree by the end of the conversation that is fine because I probably have learned something from you that will either let me have a boarder view or you have strengthened my view even more.

Now to tie the 1st paragraph to the 2nd paragraph.

I am tried of getting invited for these groups: "I love Jesus", "I love the KJV", "Baptists Unite" "One Million against abortion" "One million against our government" "One million against Barak Obama" These are all paraphrased but you get the point.

This is the breakdown but they aren't necessarily anything that I have "liked" on Facebook.

I do love Jesus. Asked Him to save me from my sins when I was 16. I am on my way to heaven when I die and I don't have to be baptized or work for it.

I love the KJV Bible. I don't think there is another book that completes it or another version that is better.

I like being Baptist but I am for sure not "uniting" with them. Organized religion is becoming bad in my eyes because we focus more on what the "religion" teaches then what the word of God teaches. Bad, bad, bad.

I am against abortion. It is killing a life.

I am not against our government. I don't think 3/4 of what our government is doing is right but I am not against it. (Another blog post is coming soon about some things in the government)

I am against Obama but I have a healthy respect for what the man has to deal with...I just don't think he is handling it correctly.

So yes, I do have views and I like my views and I am pretty much grounded in my views. So enjoy getting page requests from others, because you are pretty much unlikely to get them from me.

I think my cat has been reading my diary.

2010-05-12T00:05:00.000-04:00

I am not really sure where to begin on what has happened to me in the last month. But I have so enjoyed this last month because life has been great and God has been good, way way to good.

In the middle of March I moved out of my horrible living situation and into a better one. But then at the beginning of April I was given the opportunity to house sit for a lady in my church. Talk about a HUGE blessing! I was sad to leave Gina and her 3 girls but this situation was "too good" to pass up. The house I am "sitting" is great but it needs some work. My room has purple floors and lime neon green walls. Let's just say I am less than impressed with the color scheme but I have been giving permission to paint. So I just have to get the paint.

I have finished my first semester at USU! I am proud of myself in that, even though I took just 3 classes, I did it while working full time. And I passed all of them! I was excited. There was special encouragement from people and a lot of prayer poured in but I made it through!

I have started to expand my friendships beyond the 30 or so people that go to my church and I am loving every moment of it. Most of them are people from work and we have fallen into a wonderful habit of dinner, Doctor Who, and board games on Saturday night. We have so many fun things planned for the future, one of which I know about and one of which has just been hinted at but I am so equally excited! One of these people I have met is a bit more special to me than the others but that is a story for another time.

I have also recently been given a new position at work. And I am not trying to get a pat on the back but I pretty much rocked an interview for another position that they ended up giving to another more experienced person but because of that one interview I was given this position. Any time the company hires new people they go through a training class and then onto the floor in a "nesting" class which means that they are watched over and "protected" by the Transition Coaching staff. And the newest member of that staff is me! I am getting used to the position and still learning a lot every day. I have to still take inbound calls once in a while but they will be at a better rate than what I was doing. Besides, I have a little bit more flexibility and a lot more enjoyment in my job.

It is still raining/snowing here in Utah but I am excited because I am going to get the garden prepped and ready this coming week into the following weekend and ready to plant! I haven't tried my hand in gardening so we will see what happens!

I have been blessed beyond measure and more content then I thought possible. I just hope you are the same!

NO TITLE because I am not witty.

2010-05-10T08:26:00.000-04:00

I have been gone from blogger for over a month now. I haven't had time to write and have started and re-started a couple different posts but never finished them because something got in the way.

But I wanted you all to know that I am alive and you can expect a post from me by tomorrow. I do have so much to tell since last month!

Here is a preview:

I moved (again). That makes 4 times in 1 year.
I got a promotion.
I finished my first semester.
I have met some wonderful people and one of them is more special than the others.

Working hard at hardly working

2010-04-02T12:42:00.000-04:00

I love the weekend. Oh wait I don't have one! But there are still good things.

I have been finding time to just chill. I realized that if I make time to study a little bit more at odd hours like lunches and breaks at work I don't have to go to every SI which is good because then I have time to hang out with a certain person or read a non school book. I get to spend time with the 3 little girls I live with now. They really have made me so happy and I am kinda liking getting a great big, "Jen's Home!"

We are in a current routine but we will have to fall into another one coming in the next week. Gina's mom has been here and so she and I have been helping out and then of course when she leaves it will be a different pattern. But it's all good.

I had started walking/running again when the weather was better but then we got 3 inches of snow. So my Friday walk :) and then my Monday run went really well but then I haven't been able to go back outside. But spring is coming...soon. It is coming. I think.

That is the small update!

Happy Easter!

Just put your lips together and blow.....

2010-03-30T21:33:00.000-04:00

You know that feeling when you are out and the soft wind blows...it feels like spring.

Unfortunately, with the spring wind around here comes a new phenomenon that I haven't had to deal with before. Around here, instead of raining men...it rains mud. Yes, you read that correctly. It rains mud! Honestly, the first time I had this problem I thought it was the sprinkler system at work cleaning out the winter gunk. But no, it wasn't the sprinkler system, it was rain. Rain from the sky. Rain that came down in big muddy drops. What I am thankful for is that I didn't wash my car like I was going to on Saturday or Sunday or Monday. I kept thinking about it, honestly I did. I wanted too, really I did. I tried, really I did. But never actually did. Thankfully. What I am not loving right now is that my windows are streaked with mud and my car looks like it has brown polk-a-dots.

What I am loving is the people I live with. The girls and I had a fantastic day at the park the other day, after of course getting ice cream. I come and go as I please. I have a fairly quiet, (it's not perfect because there are 3 girls, all under 9) place to sleep when I need too. I have started running again which I love.

Other parts of my life are good as well! Some of it I will have to save for another time because I don't want to spoil it but it's very good.

Yip yip

2010-03-16T23:29:00.000-04:00

Spring Break: I never thought I would be able to actually say that again!

Last week was hectic!! I had all my normal things to do but then I also had some packing and cleaning to do before I left for Nebraska. I left some stuff in the apartment and will probably sneak in to remove more of my stuff while the girls are out of the house. I don't have much to move but I do need to clean and do some touch up work. If anyone wants to come help me patch walls come on down!!! I also need to clean the carpet in my room. I want my $150 deposit back and it's already going to be hard enough to get it.

Friday I went to my Economics class and we were only there for about half an hour when Dr. Peterson told us to get lost. It was great because I was able to use the extra time to run to the post office, the library, and then do some snack gathering at Smith's before I headed up to campus for my last class. I wasn't sure if Dr. Elias would throw a pop quiz since half the class would be gone so I wanted to make sure I was there. He didn't throw a pop quiz! Instead, another professor came in and we played a game that helped teach us about Sociology. The bonus was that if we write a one page response paper to how the game helped us we get an overall 2% added to our score!! I am so excited. As soon as the game was over we were able to leave and I got to my car and drove off of campus right on time!

There is nothing to report going through Wyoming but I have to say that between Rawlings and Laramie looked a whole lot different when it's not snowing and blowing. I made it to my parents right at nine and got to catch up a little before heading to bed.

On Saturday I got some time to go to the library and pick up a book that was recommended to me and I found a book that I have been looking for in the "For Sale" pile. I will have to return the one I borrowed though because try as I might between helping my mom make dinner, cleaning, and doing errands with my dad I haven't found time to read 687 pages. I know my local library has it but I will have to put it on reserve.

Sunday was fairly typical, expect one thing. I didn't have to work!! I got to go to church services but didn't get to hear my dad preach because I was in charge of hot cocoa for the junior church kids and one little girl spilled hers. I spent the next hour drying to dry a wool skirt and shirt. The even though was good and expect for a coughing spell that forced me back into the back side room I got to hear Dad preach.

Monday was awesome! I didn't sleep in but I was able to hang out with my dad and help get somethings ready for the Ladies Tea my mom hosts every year. And surprise! I am the guest speaker because the pre-planned guest speakers' husband in horribly ill and she doesn't think she can make it. Between hearing that news and April 10th I need to come up with a devotional on "The Potter's Hand". I was able to have a date with my dad and enjoyed spending some time with him. We weren't able to go shooting but since I will be back in April we might have some time then. I also have plans to bring back my .22 but decided against it because I am doing more travelling.

Today was so relaxing. Between checking Facebook, reading, and napping I feel very relaxed. I really didn't do much of anything! Of course my parents think I am crazy because my phone has been going crazy with texts and Blackberry messenger. I have been working on one crisis, one very good conversation, and one off the wall conversation. But it has been good to know that people still think of me when I am out of sight out of mind.

And tomorrow! I am headed to my grandparents house in Colorado. It should be interesting as my cousin has a lot planned for us, seeing that it is St. Patrick's Day! There was something about dinner and an Irish band so we will see what is in store. I get to spend until Saturday with my family and then I am off for a 12 hour trip back to Utah. And then work the next day and then....ok...I am going to stop before I depress myself!

Tap Tap Tap BOOM

2010-03-07T00:43:00.000-05:00

Oh, please if you read my previous post....re-read it...I added a very important NOT in the middle of a sentence so the post makes more sense.

I am excited.

March 12th at approximately 7:50 a.m. I will leave my apartment and not have to live there again with the immaturity that exists.

March 12th at approximately 12:30 I am leaving the Cache Valley for 8 days. I am going to my parents and then my grandparents. That means NO work for 5 days!!! This makes me very very very excited, emphasis on the VERY! I can't wait! So work will just have to survive without my apathy and forced greetings. How will they survive?

8 days away from the smoggy cold. 8 days through Wyoming, Nebraska, Colorado, and Utah. 8 days on a road trip. 8 days!!!!

Then back to finish the semester, figure out the rest of my life, and start the summer semester.

8 days

Doesn't it make the world go round?

2010-03-06T00:24:00.001-05:00

I am so exciting. I mean really really exciting.

A couple of people have asked me what my time schedule is like so I thought maybe because you dear reader might need a sleep aid I would lay it out for you! Here it is:

Sunday:
9:00-5:30 Work
6:00-7:30 Evening church
8:00-9:30 Ladies Bible study on campus

Monday:
8:20-12:20 classes
12:30-5:00 "free time"
5:30-8:30 Supplemental instructions

Tuesday:
9:00-5:30 Work
6:00-7:30 Tutor
7:30-9:30 FOCUS

Wednesday:
8:20-12:20 Classes
12:30-6:45 Free time
7:00-8:30 Church Kids Club

Thursday:
9:00-5:30 work
5:30-7:30 Supplemental Instruction

Friday:
8:20-12:20 Classes
1:30-3:00 Help at church school (This is hit and miss but it's there)

Saturday:
9:00-5:30 work

I really don't mind keeping busy. It keeps my mind off that I have no social life. I am starting to not like NOT having a day off. I want to be able to go out and stay out late without worrying about how tired I am the next day. I can function in classes with little sleep but I have a hard time on work days not being grouchy if I don't have sleep. I would rather be busy than having too much time on my hands though.

So anytime anyone is up for doing anything let me know! Yum...hello?

*cricket*

The road is rocky but it won't be rocky long.

2010-03-03T00:56:00.000-05:00

At the risk of flaying my emotions and laying them on the table for you to see I have kept within myself.
My independence is forced to bind my hands and bow my head in submission to an all mighty God and an unknown future.
My nights are restless and prayer dulls the worry.
My days are motions, meaningless at times because tomorrow holds no bounty.
My hands work the works that are expected.
My lips give service where it is due.
My speech is silted and meditated because the dam behind them might burst showering the innocent with sorrow and my shame.
My heart is slow, weary of the continually beating.
My shoulders seem buried under the pain of each added trouble.
My mind is scattered.

BUT

My independence will see me to the end of what seems impossible.
My nights will soon rest easier with blessed quietness and sweeter prayers.
My days will have purpose greater than what can be seen.
My hands will happily tender out my joyous handiwork.
My lips will taste sweet with praise and blessings.
My speech will have a lithe flow.
My heart will beat the steady beat of purpose and driven determination.
My shoulders will be squared to the harsh world.
My mind will be focused on the task.

The solution......

2010-02-25T00:04:00.000-05:00

I hate being all drippy snotty stuffy!

I love to breathe and not having to have a tissue around constantly!

My sleep habits get interrupted too.

I sleep on my side with one leg straight and the other one crooked at 90 degrees. When I have a cold though I have to sleep on my back propped up on pillows so that I don't suffocate on my own slimy and slobber. I don't sleep well which doesn't help when you are fighting a cold. Sleep is good for you.

I am the worst when it comes to taking medicine! If it doesn't start working in 20 minutes I won't hesitate to take something more, say a cold medicine syrup and a daytime cough gel tab. Don't worry though, it would take a lot more than that to hurt me.

My other really bad habit is not resting enough. Yesterday evening into this morning I felt as if a bull dozer was running over my head but by 12 I felt well enough to move some things from my apartment into my storage unit. Thus being done, when I got back from town, I felt so bad that I had to lay down for about 3 hours because I just couldn't move. By the time I needed to start heading into church I couldn't breathe and I had a massive headache again causing me to have to lay down. Now it's "bed time" but I won't be able to sleep because of the two naps I took today.

I feel as if I have been knocked back into my childhood, wanting Mommy and chicken noodle soup.

Oh well *honk* *sniffle*

If you can't handle it....

2010-02-17T13:10:00.000-05:00

I have learned something of myself.

I am a creature of habit.

I park in the same place at school.
I park in the same place at work.
I sit in the same general area if not the same exact seat at school.
I sit in the same seat at work unless someone else gets there before me.
I can be spontaneous but seem to like when things are scheduled.
I grab the 3rd newspaper down from the same kiosk every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
I get the same bagel, asiago with veggie cream cheese not toasted, every day after I have plugged in my computer and connected to Bluezone.
I get out of bed on the same side of the bed every day.
I stretch 3 times right after getting out of bed, once to the left, once to the right, and in front, palms to the floor.
I have to be on my left side when I go to bed and I will change to my right side then back to my left side before I will fall asleep.

I am such a strange creature!

BONUS: I am copying lyrics to a song I heard. Maybe I have met that "person" but if not, this song is so good.

'Haven't Met You Yet' by Michael Buble

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right
And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Mmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get

Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Really OCD right?

How did we....

2010-02-16T21:07:00.000-05:00

I really don't care for people that just accept their lot in life. I am speaking about those people that refuse to keep moving and growing because they don't think they can do it.

I love people that keep trying.

I get tired of my own struggle and constant fighting to better myself but I keep moving because I don't like how I am now.

Maybe those people that don't keep fighting have it right. They, after all, have accepted themselves and their place in life. They are content being broke, lazy, uneducated, or inept.

I can't accept that for myself. I think that is the drive behind me going back to college. I couldn't accept that all my 1st degree was good for if I didn't teach was to sit behind a desk and answer the phone. Someone people love that and they are good at it but I am not one of those people.

I like pushing myself mentally. I am starting to read more. I have started to run again because I am determined that I am going to be healthier than I was yesterday, a month ago, a year ago. I like when people challenge my knowledge of a subject. Really, unless I was going to be a contestant on a pop culture quiz show the knowledge that matters is how I can practically apply it. Honestly knowing that Cary Grant was in the circus as a tight rope walker before making it as a movie star isn't going to advance my station in life. Practical knowledge about people, history, writing, speaking, and economics probably will make me a better person and advance my station in life.

Thats why, dear reader, I tell you that I want to lose x amount of weight. That's why you have to read the mundane wanderings of my mind because trapped in my own mind they do me no good but when they are out there you can challenge me to keep going.

So what about you? How are you getting better? How are you "evolving"? How are you challenging yourself?

Me? I am going to keep moving, learning more each day about myself and the wonderful world around me!!!

Yes, you have it....

2010-02-16T00:16:00.000-05:00

I have started and re-started writing because I don't want to come off as a sniveling little pansy so I will tell you what I am enjoying at this moment and then you, dear reader, can hopefully leave with how I really am not what tends to come out in frustration.

Right now I am enjoying:

Quiet: It is quiet except for the sound of the speed skating on t.v.

Comfort: Have you ever had a place where you just feel at home and you are just visiting? That's how I feel at Gary and Gina's where I will be moving.

Peace: There is nothing like having a huge conflict swirling around you and being able to have inner peace!

Joy: I have true joy. Blissful shiny glittery joy.

Love: I am loved. I have family and friends that love me for me.

Coolness: This one is random but after staying in an apartment where I have had to deal with a princess who likes it at a very warm 81 degrees I don't mind the cool darkness of this night.

And I am happy in it......

I wonder who.....

2010-02-14T01:33:00.000-05:00

Ah! Happy Valentine's Day, Happy Single's Awareness Day, or as I like to say it....HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!

There are those out there that get to snuggle up with their loved one after dinner and eat chocolates and smell the roses. There are those that are going to eat a pint of Chubby Hubby ice cream and wallow in self pity and the ever rising fear that they will end up alone. Then there are those (ME!) that will sit back with my traditional steak (probably more like ham steak this year) dinner that I make myself and toast another year of finding out who I am.

Not that I don't want the relationship and the roses and the chocolates and the beautiful dinners. I know that time will come when I get all giggly and flustered at the sight of him walking towards me. I know I will buckle at the thought of his eyes gazing into mine. I know my heart will melt and become the proverbial putty when he whispers "I love you." I know I will endear myself to him and his likes and dislikes. BUT until then I find myself celebrating the love of God, family, and friends.

Truly I am loved and no amount of roses, chocolates, and frilly glittery (shudder!) cards will over shadow a quick knowing smile, a note, or a hot coffee on a cold day shared with a good friend.

So here's to another year of loving your friends, loving your family, and loving yourself until that time when you can love another.

A toast! *CLINK*

The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true!

2010-02-11T22:28:00.001-05:00

This week has been rough!! Monday I left the lights on in my car and realized the value of towing coverage on my insurance (I didn't have it) and having a saving account.

But I will not complain!! I have great friends that are making this "hardship" so much better and although they can't help me pay the bill they helped me out so many other ways that truly are probably more of a blessing!

I can't wait to leave this room I call my "home"! In one month I will be moving out and in with some friends. It will be great.

Right now as I am writing this I have an old movie (hence the title) on in the background and a BIG sociology test that I need to be studying for looming in the back of my brain. I just can't settle down right now. So many things are going on and for some reason I am having a harder time leaving work at work even though there is nothing I can do while sitting at my desk in my room.

I know that if I turn on Pandora that a song from "Glee" will come on and I will HAVE to sing along which will defeat the purpose of me studying because I will have to rock out with a hairbrush while singing "Just a small town girl".

I think I finally have my lonely emotions (yes, BC, I will admit that I do have some emotions) back in check, Twitter, Facebook, Skype, and every other networking site that I am on has had the same thought the past couple of days: "It does not matter the quantity of friends, it matters about the quality."

And rounding first.....

2010-02-07T00:05:00.000-05:00

I like when people think that I can choke rainbows and puppies out of rain clouds.

I like when people think that I remind them of someone else.

I like when people copy my tastes because imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

I like when people invite me into their lives because I make it better for them.

I like when people play mentally challenging games with me because I will either get it or look up the rules so I can understand it.

I like when people just stop by to chat.

I like when people send that random text just to say hi.

I like when people make my life better because it proves that I can be loved for who I am.

I like when people are just who they are with me because they are comfortable with me.

I like when people understand that I will never mean as much to them as they will mean to me.

I like when people tell me that my eyes are a different color than they have ever seen.

I like when people accept me.

I like when people say I remind them of the color yellow.

I like when people know that I have emotions but they don't expect me to show them.

I like when people know that I have emotions but they don't care when I show them.

I like when people just like me for who I am.

Haven't met you yet.....

2010-02-01T23:46:00.000-05:00

I have to pose a question because I don't know the answer.

Why do I feel so out of touch?

I I.M.
I Twitter (sugarwithanedge)
I Skype (sugarwithanedge)
I Facebook (Jen Stephens)
I Blog (eyesofadifferentcolor)
I blog (awiggleandawalk)
I group (F.O.C.U.S and Re-entry)

Yet I feel like I really don't have human interaction at times.

And in a crowd of over 6,000 people I can feel utterly alone.

I am sorry that I am so whiny. I go through bouts of missing Maryland and right now I am going through a major one.

Deep recesses of the mind.

2010-01-30T01:37:00.000-05:00

Moody and dark it stood.
A tree. Alone.
Time had twisted it's branches.
The bark held marks of etched love.
Leaves grew.
Leaves fell.
Sun touched it's blossoms.
Rain soaked the gnarled roots.
A season came.
A season went.
Icy.
Warmth.
Colors changed.
It grew.
It died.
Yet it stood.
Proud.
Strong.
Humbled by wind.
Shaded by nothing.

It's a study of..wait...let me think!

2010-01-25T21:27:00.002-05:00

So far my “real” college experience has been living up to my expectations though I will admit that I spend time more in Sociology convinced that he is trying to brainwash me to be a humanist than actually taking in the class. But at least I am going into it with my guards up!
I am so excited about two (possibly 3) things that are happening right now in my life.
1. I joined a group up on campus that I am really excited about. F.O.C.U.S. is a Fellowship of Christian University Students. I went to one of the first meetings on Sunday night after my church service was over. It was so exciting! Most of the girls do attend a Baptist church while the others attend a Christian center. It was refreshing to be around people that understood the real meaning of salvations by grace and not by a grace/works combo. We are going to be doing a study of friendships and as I sat in the group I could tell that it would be such a blessing to have other truly Christian young women with which to fellowship.
2. I am also joining a group of “Re-entry” students. I haven’t gone to anything with them but it is a group that is dedicated to students that have taken a break from college, going back to college, or starting college for the first time. It is for older students and I am excited about it as I am lost with what to do with these “kids” at times.
3. I really can’t give details but I am excited if it happens because I am tired of allowing myself to be trodden on and it would be completely freeing to say “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!” Yes, that’s how I feel!
Other than that life is going well. I am busy between going to work and school and the gym…which I really should go to tonight because I feel like a blob!
I hope you are just as well!

My kind of thinking.....

2010-01-24T01:52:00.000-05:00

The great thing about a blog is that you can put your ideas out for people to see or you can hide them. If any of you are like me, for the most part I don't say everything that is on my mind. Sometimes even I will write a whole blog post but not post it because it really is too personal or bitter and angry but someone just writing it is cathartic for me.

One of my new followers and truly my good friend, Annie T, just started her own blog and we were talking about what we write. Obviously on my blog I write politically, emotionally, painfully, and sometimes if you catch me in the right mood, brilliantly. Ok, that last bit is a little self indulgent but it's my blog, which is about me and my feelings, so I get to write what I am feeling! Seriously how narcissistic am I? Sorry, trying to be funny but came off as arrogant. I could erase it but I have my failures so I will leave them for you to see!

Here is what has been brewing on the tip of my brain.

How do I make other people's lives better? I would like to think that people are better for knowing me.

We all have that person that we call a friend but sometimes they just drain us. I call a lot of people friends but very few are my close, personal, forever *hopefully* friends. I had a friend who drained the happiness out of me. Whenever we talked she complained about everything. I called her a friend and tried to be there for her but it hurt sometimes when every conversation was about her and her troubles. Of course then I would feel that I wasn't being a good friend because I wanted to talk about me then I realized that the foundation of a friendship is listening and talking and not saying anything at all but still understanding the pain, frustration, sadness, happiness, and anger. The nice thing about friends is that you can tell them to get over it. My friend Mimi is like that because she will message me and complain and I can tell her to grow up, suck it up, get over it and it's enough for her to understand and move on with her life. She treats me the same way. If I start complaining or whiny she tells me the truth that I don't want to hear and it prods me to move on with my life. Good friends do that! Whoops, back to what I was saying.

I guess what I am getting at is that I want to be a truly good friend. A friend that someone can rely on and talk to about anything. A friend that makes another's person life better. That's what I want to be.

Here are some examples of friends from the Bible. My question is, which one am I?

Job 17:5
He that speaketh flattery to his friends, even the eyes of his children shall fail. *Is this truly a good friend?

Job 42:10
And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before. *What better way to be a good friend than to PRAY for your friend!*

Proverbs 17:17
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. *Isn't this so very true?!*

Proverbs 27:17
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. *Isn't this the foundational purpose of having friends, to make each better!*

Luke 15:9
And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost. *Ah! The greatness of friendship based on joy for the little victories!*

I love my friends and I can only truly hope and wish that I am as much of a blessing to them as they are to me!

Who's afraid of the big bad world?

2010-01-21T11:28:00.002-05:00

Goodness! So much has changed since my last post.

I have started college! My first day was a little messy as I was 10 minutes late to my first class, Economics. But I was not the only one that was late so I didn't concern myself that much with it. Creative Arts is my second class which I do love and am interested in going to the different events that are required for the class. I love the "arts" and am happy to "have" to take a class that requires me to go to them! My third class is sociology, which is interesting to me because I have never taken a class like it. I do spend a lot of the time weighing everything he says because I am sure he is trying to brain wash me.

I am sure that everything that I am taught needs to be weighed against the Bible and I will work on balancing the two. I knew going into college that I would have to be very careful about what I accept as truth.

I don't have much time right now but I will start working on a longer post.

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T17:12:00.000-05:00

Wow!
It has been a year!
Can you believe how much has happened?
I am looking back on the year and thinking how much I have changed!

I moved. I became stronger as a Christian. I made mistakes.
I changed my hair color and my hair style. I gained and lost weight.
I lost a friend. I gained a few friends. I changed my outlook on other people. I voted against the lemmings of the mainstream and lost America in the process. I loved someone and lost in it. I read a book or two. I had some ups and some downs. I cried alone. I laughed with others. I lost something. I had dreams. I have succeeded. I have found a purpose. I have found a little of myself. I have failed. I have tasted life.

And I can't wait to do it again!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAY GOD BLESS YOU IN 2010!!

A new journey and blog

2009-12-30T11:32:00.000-05:00

I now have a "sister" blog to this blog.

Please read it and comment as well.

www.awiggleandawalk.blogspot.com

You will shoot your eye out!

2009-12-30T01:20:00.003-05:00

***Just as an FYI...I was trying not to throw a pity party BUT I was not a selfless saint***

Christmas...in my house that means cinnamon rolls at dawn while reading the Christmas story from Luke 2, followed by prayer, and opening ransacking Christmas stockings.

I look forward to this time of the year when after months and months of being away from my family I can be with them.

This Christmas was no different. I was able to go home for Thanksgiving and even though I wouldn't be able to leave any earlier than Christmas Day I was going to get to go home! I was so excited when I checked the weather going through Wyoming and it was supposed to be clear with wind. Wyoming has freakish weather. It can be perfectly clear and within minutes turn to a dangerous spot. Wyoming is always windy and a day doesn't go by that the wind does affect driving conditions. I knew that I would have little issue with the wind because for the most part it would be behind me, almost pushing me.

I barely passed anyone from Logan to Bear Lake and onto I-80. The traffic was light, the sun was shining, and there was little to no wind. I know from experience that I can make it from Logan to Rawlings, Wyoming without having to stop. Once I reached Rawlings however, the wind had picked up and the sky had darkened. Fallen snow was being blown around the road and the oddity of actually watching the wind change entranced me. With no cars in front of me I should see the wind blow south, swirl around a hundred yards later and then blow north. Quickly I realized that the driving conditions were getting worse. The wind was kicking up more fallen snow and snow had begun to fall.

My dad was an excellent teacher when it came to driving. I feel very comfortable behind the wheel and rarely worry about anyone else on the road besides me. I am aware of my surroundings but just try to handle my own driving and leave everyone else alone. I knew that I would be fine but as the snow kept falling and blowing the visibility was decreasing. At times I could not see any more than one mile marker in front of me and at other times I was following the yellow line at 25 mph. I was a little nervous but was not too concerned. The road was dry and not until about one mile out of Laramie Wyoming I hit snow packed roads, meaning more potential of sliding or losing control of the vehicle.

Upon reaching Laramie the "Closed Roads Ahead" lights were flashing, meaning I had to exit. Between Laramie and the Wyoming boarder is a mountain pass called Happy Jack Summit. The road isn't overly steep but because of the way the canyon is situated the wind whips through it, making it even more dangerous than just the open road.

I had no choice but to exit and as soon as I exited I started looking for another way to reach my parents. I knew there was a two lane road from Laramie to Scottsbluff but after barely making it through town because of the road conditions I decided that it would be in my best interest not to go through with it. I pulled off to a gas station and called my dad to let him know the situation. It was at that time that I knew I had to make a decision on to stay or head back to Utah and because of the Christmas and the roads I didn't like either idea.

Ultimately I decided to stay in Laramie. I was downhearted but was able to get a good room at a Days Inn right off the interstate. There was nothing I could do but wait out the store. I searched in vain for a grocery store nearby and finally waited in line for 20 minutes at the gas station/Wendy's right near the hotel for a hamburger and a salad. With no other options I went back to the hotel and just sat.

I did bring my laptop so I had access to the WyDot website for road updates and access to the three things on the internet that I am hopelessly addicted too, Twitter, Bloglines, and Facebook. I called my parents for probably the 10th time and let them know that I was in the hotel and that I wasn't going to go anywhere. It was not until 10:00 pm that I realized that I had forgotten my pj's in my laundry basket that was in the back of my car. I was NOT going out in the cold nor was I going to sleep on hotel sheets without a barrier between me and them!! So a sweater and tights were my pj's.

The next morning the sun was shining but the winds were still blowing snow and WyDot had no indications of the roads opening. The hotel graciously extended my checkout until 3 p.m. but even then there was no chance the roads were going to open so I headed into town. I went to a grocery store to at least have something besides junk in my room that my parents had paid for another night for me. So with fruit and some juice and milk in hand I was going to go back to the hotel but decided to just eat at a local diner so I could have some sort of "homemade" dinner. I restrained myself from eating all of it and I was able to make a late dinner of the leftovers.

The next morning the sun was out and WyDot was reporting that the roads were opening but the road from the interstate to my parent’s house was now closed because of snow and wind. I really had no choice but to head back to Utah. I did go to a church that morning for the worship service. The Pastor had filled in at my dad's church in Scottsbluff before my dad was the pastor. Pastor Salaman was very gracious, even offering for me to go to lunch with his wife and children but I had decided that I was going to try to make it back to Utah.

The once treacherous roads were clear and driving was not bad at all and I made it to Layton to attend services at Faith Baptist. I was happy to see some very good friends and receive the biggest hug from my "dad" Ken Daniels. His girls and I were close when I lived in Salt Lake and I hadn't been able to see him until Sunday night.

I was exhausted by the time I reached home but could only look back on the trip with praise for the following things:

1. I deposited money in the bank right before I left.
2. The Lord kept me safe. Yes, I was nervous at times but He guided my car.
3. James, the night clerk at Day's Inn. He gave me a HUGE discount on my room.
4. A phone call from a friend in Iraq that reminded me that my situation could be much worse.
5. A good local church to attend, even though I was so far from home.
6. Travelling mercies on roads filled with REALLY big trucks that were speeding to make up lost time.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2009-12-24T19:13:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas to you and your family!!

I will be traveling on Christmas to visit my parents so I will not be on to post!

Think about this:

Christmas doesn't end in the manger but it extended to the cross.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Every time a bell rings an angel gets it's wings.

2009-12-24T13:04:00.002-05:00

There are people that walk through this life oblivious that they are causing anyone any discomfort. It is the person that is talking too loudly on their cellphone right behind you as you wait to check out at the grocery store. It's the person on a plane that is listening to their music so loudly that you can't enjoy a nice peaceful flight. It's the person that sleeps so soundly that they have this false impression that everyone else can sleep through them baking and watching T.V. until 5:00 in the morning. The last one is what is bugging me the most right now.

I rent a room, in no way do I feel like it's my home, with two different nice girls. The one understands some of my plight because she is a light sleeper but her room is in the back of the house so she is a little removed from the living room and kitchen. I hear EVERYTHING!!! And when she bakes until 5:00 in the morning I hear every time the faucet is turned on. I hear every clink against the bowl as she is mixing. I hear the beep beep of the timer. I hear it, even with my head under the pillow and my fan on full blast.

But this is the thing that I driving me nuts. Any SANE person would have gone out there told her off and gone back to bed but I can't. I will speak my mind about anything but I am a wimp when it actually comes to confronting someone.

This is the basic process of my night:

12:30 Ah! Bed time

1:00 What do I hear? It's that somethng being stirred?

1:05 Oh, she is baking, great. Go to sleep Jen.

1:30 Updated Twitter: "SERIOUSLY!!! BAKING @ 1:30!! THIS IS SO STUPID!! SELFISH!!! and i bet you she wont b out of bed b4 2 pm.

1:45 So worked up I couldn't sleep if I wanted too! Hello, Netflix and 30 Rock season 4.

2:30 trying to fall asleep while listening to Tina Fey and the 30 Rock theme song

2:30 Twitter: i need sleep but dont wanna be a raging witch...its just sleep right?
not needed at all right? right? huh? huh?

2:50 Twitter: still not asleep..nope

2:50 almost asleep and a pan is dropped and I have a heart attack

3:00 Twitter: 3 am and I am still awake bc of my SELFCENTERED roommate.

3:00 storm out of my bedroom to the bathroom, slam the door, calm myself down, wash my hands, storm out of bathroom into bedroom where I slam the door again.

3:30 Twiiter: it is now 3:30

4:00 Twitter: it is 4:00

Finally around 5:00 I was able to sleep and I slept until 9:00.

If I just had the strength to go out and tell her to knock it off. If only I wasn't a wimp. If only I wasn't zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

~snore~

Stop Loss

2009-12-20T00:25:00.002-05:00

So I said something, something that I don't regret.

I spoke against the college that I went to for my first "stint" in college. I learned many things there but I do not classify it as a "real" college experience. And I said so and someone took offense to it.

This is what I meant.

I am excited about going to a university that accepted me and is allowing me to make my own decisions when it comes to the course I will take while attending. I don't report to anyone but my academic advisor. I won't get demerits if I chew gum in class, I won't be told that a certain pair of shoes is not allowable or not. I don't have a bed time and will basically be in charge of my own schedule. I don't have to ask permission to go to the store. I am excited about this.

My professors at the first college I attended were very educated. Many of them while I was there were actually pursuing doctorates or masters degrees. I don't disrespect them nor anything I learned there. I just feel that for me, there is more than Bible classes and forced Charles Sprugeon sermon readings.

I don't feel called to the ministry and I don't want to just be a secretary for the rest of my life. I want to create and build something in my life. I have never had the desire to have the house with the picket fence and the 2.5 kids and the dog. Put me in a condo in Washington D.C. or New York or London and I would be completely happy with that. My desires might change when I meet Mr. Right but I can't just sit around working some stuffy office position until he comes. My desire is to be successful and make something out of myself but I don't believe that a man defines me. I think a man would complete me. I want that special someone and marriage but until Prince Charming (ok, honestly, I don't want Prince Charming, I want 2nd Lt. Marine) falls into my lap then I am content working out who I am.

Many of the girls in the college I went to went just to find Mr. Right. And some of them found Mr. Right Forever but some of them searched and desired so hard that they found Mr. Right Now. I didn't have the desire going in and I sure had lost all desire upon exiting.

I have gotten off topic. Utah State University will show me even more how to be an adult and to be part of the business world. It's against what so many people believe a Christian young lady should want but as long as I am in church and doing right then the people I still look to for guidance, my parents and my pastor, don't see anything wrong with it.

Rolling my eyes

2009-12-17T22:54:00.002-05:00

What is the difference between me and everyone that reaches the heights of greatness?

I believe it is one word: character.

I think back of feats of greatness or strength and realize that the reason I am not "great" is because I don't allow my character to strengthen.

I think about this especially when it comes to losing weight. I like to exercise. I don't LOVE it. But I like to go to a dance class or a weight class. But my problem comes in when it interferes with something like, sleep or spending time with friends.

I know I can do it. I used to get up at 4:30 every morning and meet a friend to run and workout from 5-6:30, I would shower, go to work, then go back to the gym, and work out. So I know I can.

What is standing in my way? I don't want to go out in the cold at 6:00 to my cold car and drive the ONE mile to the WARM gym to work out. How lazy is that? So lazy. What is the other problem? The other problem is that I don't want to say no to that fresh baked cookie or the extra piece of pizza. I don't want to count calories and I don't want to eat lean meats, I want the steak with fat marbled through! This is a problem. I like all the "bad" things.

But why can't I be like other people that overcame those same problems? It all comes down to the character that I am lacking! I think I have asked before...how do you "grow" character?

Can I take that back....

2009-12-16T00:18:00.002-05:00

I need therapy, badly, for all the things that annoy me! Want a list?

1. People that chew their gum too loudly.
2. People that pop their gum.
3. People that talk too loudly when you are sitting right. next. to. them!
4. People that tap or drum their fingers.
5. People that can't open a candy wrapper without crinkling it for minutes on end.
6. People that flip through their Bibles in church when that Pastor hasn't said..."and please turn to".
7. People that don't understand that walls are thin and I can hear everything you say/do.
8. People that complain that they don't have money yet go out to eat 5 times a week.
9. People that have money that don't understand that a 10$ dinner is expensive at times.
10. People that walk right down the center of an aisle at the grocery store, forcing you to practically climb up the shelves.
11. People that drive SUV's that can't park, back up, or even drive!
12. People that can't talk and drive.
13. People that can't talk and walk.
14. People that don't ever answer text messages.

So you get my point. Things annoy me.

Oh, the other thing that annoys me...being in surrounded in a room but feeling totally and utterly alone.

Shut the door and have a seat!

2009-12-15T00:59:00.002-05:00

To start things off I promised a friend that I would update this just. for. her.!!!!

I have really had a lot of things to say but at the same time didn't know how to say any of them. But here are a few of them:

I am so very very thankful for re-connecting with friends that I have kind of lost through the transition of me moving out to Utah and trying to change myself. I am also so thankful for the new people in my life. But these people are the best and I am really thankful for them. (Abbreviations are being used to protect those that might not want to be named out loud!)

RG- I read your blog and am always blessed by your quiet gentle faithfulness.

AA- You are a hot mess and I love ya! Thanks for all your help figuring out this new stage in my life!

DJ- I still "have love" for you...for ever! You are the best guy friend a girl can have! Never has suduko and Greek salad ever been so good!

MW- You have to be the BESTEST of all friends! I love you.

DN- I am so glad that email is there to keep us up to date on the goings ons! I miss you!

AH- You and all your wonderful perception really has impacted my life. Sir, good luck!

AT- Thanks for helping me through this transition! You and Bug are beautiful!

SV- You just left and I miss you already! But I wouldn't be this excited about this next year if it weren't for you!

I hope you all that do read are enjoying my new layout!

It's the twinkies...I promise!!

2009-11-30T01:12:00.001-05:00

I am so sorry that I have been absent for a while from posting! I will be back December 1st. Thought you would want to know that!

I had a wonderfully blessed Thanksgiving! Pray you all are doing well!

FDR, Stalin, Pelosi, and Obama

2009-11-09T10:26:00.003-05:00

If you want to believe it or not those four people mentioned in my title all have something in common.

I have not been actively blogging about any political news because I have just been so sick about it. I have emailed senators but since I was able to just register to vote I have been emailing both Utah and Maryland.

I am a HUGE fan of www.drudgereport.com. He is fair and balanced and the website is more of a clearing house for news links. (P.S. Bill Clinton wanted to silence him because he broke the news about Monica and old Billy having their affair.)

Anyways, I was just reading about the different things and one of the headlines was for how even though the Senate is 60% Democratic that the Health Care reform bill that was pushed through the House in a sneaky vote will be DOA on the Senate floor. Even Libermann, (D), said in clear conscience he will not vote for the bill. So we can't rest on our laurels but we do have the ability now to at least breath, ever so slightly.

I am really bad at actually getting a link to post correctly but I will try. If you get a moment read this, but read down through the comments as well. NOTE: They do a good job at censoring swearing but people are tricky and will use symbols in the place of letters so that they still can spell out words.

Here is the quote:

I chose one that I thought was good and that I TOTALLY agree with!

"We need to roll back 60+ years of socialism in this country! Kill this government health care bill. Stop taxing the rich, they are the real America, not those poor slobs at the public feeding trough, always looking for a handout. Let's return to good old self-reliance and the American way!

Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Unemployment, Disability, these are all socialist programs for poor slobs that have no right to be on god's green earth. They should be swept into the garbage bin with the rest of the trash."

Read more: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/obamacare_legislation_in_trouble_n12JvzOZLO36ngE5VaFVmI#ixzz0WNOU3qNa

2009-10-14T01:49:00.001-04:00

Quick update: i tweaked my back again, though not as bad so exercise is out. But I ate fairly well and stayed under 1500 calories!

It's day 10 and I haven't done anything!

2009-10-10T17:36:00.003-04:00

I was supposed to be keeping you up on the boring daily exercise and calorie going ons but since both of those things have been ignored in favor of soups and laying with a heating pad on my back I have nothing to say about it except that I really have no character.

I hurt my back about a month ago and it's not been right since. I can't seem to sit in the same position very long with out it burning and hurting so I have not risked exercise too much because I just started a new job and can not miss any days during training. But as Scarlett once said, "Tomorrow is another day" and I will be better tomorrow. I need to just go out and enjoy this beautiful fall weather and walk around the block or something.

I have lost some weight around my pudgy middle because I have been in such a mood for soup since fall has come. I am making homemade chicken noodle soup next weekend and am quite excited for it. Fresh garden carrots from my roommates parent's garden, homemade noodles, and chicken stock from a chicken I roasted. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

Ok, so are you all ready for promise number 2? Monday I will start with the bland postings of just trying to become a better me.

Day 1.

2009-10-02T00:06:00.002-04:00

So today was not as successful as I would have liked but it was better than most.

So calorie count was 1,900. That is over what I was shooting for but I believe it is lower than what I usually consume.

I had a little inspiration. I was reading an older magazine from about a year ago that mentioned a lady that lost 89 pounds just by walking 45 minutes a day and watching her calorie count. She didn't worry about eating all the right things like brown rice, all her veggies, fruits, or staying away from red meat. She made that switch AFTER she had already started making better choice. Basically she said that she didn't want to concern herself and get bogged down with everything because it was too overwhelming. But she just did what she could and looking at the pictures she looks so good!

It was really an eye opener.

I get too worried about eating all the right things that when I fail in one area I just give up. One of these days I might be able to do the Zone Diet but right now I just have to concentrate on eating the lesser of the two evils and everything will work out in the end.

One baby step at a time!

Taking a moment to smell the pine tree.

2009-09-28T12:24:00.000-04:00

I have a lack of followers and the three I do I have I might be losing because starting October 1, I am giving myself a challenge. A post a day for 31 days but along with an musings I can come up with I will be giving you the very boring daily calorie and exercise regime. Please don't stop reading! Please be an encouragment to me. I am working on finding discipline and if I know its a public display of shaming I am more likely to do it.

Arrested.....

2009-09-28T00:44:00.002-04:00

At times do you ever feel so inadequate?

I feel that I lack a good roundness of character.

There are those people that make you feel completely and utterly comfortable. You know the people I am talking about, those people that seem to have this aura of warmth and comfort. If they were a smell they would be fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies or thick wheat bread. I feel that I am more a moldy piece of unwanted fruitcake.

Now I should be ashamed of myself because we heard a wonderful message today in church. It was a very basic message from John 3:16 which resulted in the snatching of one soul from the hell fire.

Oh and if anyone has any suggestions on how to start developing a heightened sense of discipline please let me know.