Yup, I blogged.

It has been a while and a lot has happened….too much to tell and too hidden to say it all. So at the risk of sounding preachy there have been some musings and dwellings.
For a girl who doesn’t mind being single marriage is on my mind a lot. But it isn’t because I am ready to marry the next handsome face that asks me my name….it is more a indwelling of thought and reflection.
After what was the singularly worst decision I have ever made in my life I was talking to my dad. I have fully accepted the responsibility of all my decisions and it is a sticking point with some people that I don’t live with my parents and at 29 going on 30 don't let my parents make decisions for me. I know some people that live with their parents and are still independent and make their own decisions. My decision was not to live with my parents and to make my own decisions. I am impulsive to a fault and too contemplative at other times. My dad described me as this, “You are John Wanye; you kick in the door and then look to see what is on the other side.” It is a very true fact that I have to deal with every day.
So after bad decision 2011 in the conversation via email with my Dad I told him that I felt at the time that there were those that just wanted me to get married and become a muumuu wearing, truffle eating, child bearing housewife and let the man make the decisions. It was a laughable moment in the torrent of bad but it made me realize some more about myself. I make decisions but I learn from them. Bad decision 2011 will never happen again. I learned from it. I haven’t made a lot of bad decisions over the course of my life. There have been a few missteps but never to where I haven’t gotten good out of it and it didn’t mess up anything in my life so badly that I curled up and stopped living. Bad decision 2011 almost did that to me. I struggled with it for a while and I still do struggle with it every day. It won’t go away easily and I will have to face it for the rest of my life but it will get easier.
Christians aren’t supposed to be depressed over all but the devil uses things like Bad decision 2011 to lure me into this sense of worthlessness and hopelessness and darkness. Some people didn’t understand. They thought I was letting others get in the way of what I wanted when I was actually taking a giant step back to re-evaluate and become stronger by myself instead of where I could rely on others. Some don’t even fully and will never fully know the personal level of hell that I put myself through because of BD2011.
So what does marriage have to do with this? I thought to myself during the months following BD2011 and thought maybe it would be easier to just get married that way someone else could make the decisions for me. My mom told me on my visit to their house that I should get married, that it was time. Someone else told me to slow down so a guy could catch up to me. (my response?: The guy needs to stop me in my tracks.) This is the overwhelming decision in my life: Marriage is not the solution to my problems.
I have a varied group of friends. Friends that many of my other friends would not agree with but they are endlessly good people that would give their right kidney to me if I needed it. Some are very happily married and are giddy with excitement to see their spouse at the end of the day. Some are divorced with kids and are looking for some one to fill that empty void they feel. One or two have been widowed or are widowers and are searching. Others simply are barred from being married. Others are desperately single and want more than what they have. And then there are the friends like me, happily single but still enjoy the thought of dating and getting to know someone. (Moment of truth: I still wonder about whatshisname and if anything will ever come of it but I don’t dwell.)
It will happen one day. Out of the blue. There he will be. I know what I want the man to be like but haven’t limited my possibilities. I am not saying I will never get married. There just isn’t a reason for me to be married this moment.
BD2011 taught me a lot and humbled me. And good or bad the decisions, as I have said so many times, are mine and I accept them and learn from them.
So to those that are married…continue on and be a good example to those of us who aren’t. For those of you that aren’t married…enjoy and keep going because one day you will be stopped in your tracks by a look and you will know.
I love this song from “Guys and Dolls”. I will be like Sky Masterson…I just know it.

For I've imagined every bit of him
To the strong moral fiber to the wisdom in his head
To the home-y aroma of his pipe
You have wished yourself a Scarsdale Galahad
The breakfast-eating, Brooks-brothers type.
Yes, and I shall meet him when the time is right.

SKY. (spoken) You've got the guy all figured out.
SARAH (spoken) I have.
SKY (spoken) Including what he smokes. All figured out, huh?
SARAH (spoken) All figured out.

I'll know when my love comes along
I won't take a change.
I'll know he'll be just what I need
Not some fly-by-night Broadway romance.
And you'll know at a glance by the two-pair of pants.
I'll know by the calm steady voice
Those feet on the ground.
I'll know as I run to his arms
That at last I've come home safe and sound.
Until then, I shall wait.
Until then, I'll be strong.
Oh, I'll know, when my love comes along.

SKY. (spoken) No, no, no! You are talking about love! You can't dope it like that. What
are you picking, a guy or a horse?
SARAH (spoken) I wouldn't expect a gambler to understand.
SKY (spoken) Would you like to hear how a gambler feels about the big heart throb?
SARAH (spoken) No!
SKY (spoken) Well, I'll tell you.

Mine will come as a surprise to me.
Mine I lead to chance and chemistry.

SARAH (spoken) Chemistry?
SKY (spoken) Yeah, chemistry.

Suddenly I'll know when my love comes along
I'll know then and there
I'll know at the sight of her face
How I care, how I care, how I care
And I'll stop. And I'll stare.

And I'll know long before we can speak
I'll know in my heart.
I'll know and I won't ever ask
Am I right, am I wise, am I smart.
And I'll stop. And I'll stare.
At that face. In the throng.
Yes, I'll know when my love comes along
I'll know
When my love comes along.

I'll know. I won't take a chance.
I know he'll be just what I need
Not some fly-by-night Broadway romance.
Until then, I shall wait.
And till then, I'll be strong.
Oh, I'll know when my love comes along.